Finding joy in parenting (and keeping it)

I found this post-it stuck to my wardrobe door when I woke up on Sunday. It reminded me of the joys of motherhood all over again.

mother's day note

It spoke to me about my child’s heart, simply because he wrote it spontaneously and secretly. (This coming from my highly sensitive kid whom I complain about to friends as he is such a tough strong-willed child.)

I distinctly remember him asking me the day before how to spell “mother” but I didn’t notice what he was scurrying off to do.

Things are difficult at times on the parenting front and our hearts get easily burdened by worries, fears and disappointments.

I do experience my fair share of those, but I realise they weigh us down and prevent us from noticing and enjoying the good.

We can open our eyes to the good things in our lives, however small, and find joy in the midst of struggle and storms. We have the power to choose joy.

whatever is pure quote

Source

The past few months have been busy. My writing business has grown and stabilized which I’m thankful for. I’ve also been learning more in the educational therapy field I ventured into last year.

In the midst of the bustle, I kinda lost track of my goals for the year.

Some days I feel like a failure – not accomplishing much at work and also not keeping everything together on the home front. I constantly feel I’m running on a treadmill that’s been set at a faster pace that I can handle.

I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good staying home.

I wonder if I’d be more successful as a full time worker (well at least I’d be contributing more to my family’s savings?)

I wonder if I’m spread out too thinly.

(Do you ever have such negative thoughts /doubts running through your head?)

Well, here’s the thing…

When we use the world’s standard of success to measure ourselves, we will inevitably fall short.

But if we know what God has called us to do this season, and we respond with joy, trust, and hope, then we are already blessed.

When we embrace the life that God has given, instead of the one we left behind in the dust, we open the doors to greater blessing and grace.

So I consider the good things God has brought into my life.

  1. The encouragement I receive from my eldest – who seems to have a gift of affirming her dear ol’ mum with kind words and physical affection. She’s always hugging me, and saying sweet things. She’s sensitive to my moods and she knows I get stressed out on some days. (Girls are such a blessing like that!)
  2. The work (both writing and special needs teaching gigs) that I get to be involved with and learn from.
  3. The many little joys of the moment that make up motherhood, from watching the kids play well, and witnessing their little growth and milestones, to celebrating small wins after a period of struggle together.
  4. The sharing and support among girlfriends who are daily learning what it means to give our lives for our young ones, and to surrender ourselves to God.
  5. The love and understanding from the husband, who checks in on me, and allows me to vent or air my frustrations from time to time (okay almost every other day!) He’s a great trouble shooter. Just recently, he sat me down and reminded me of my focus for this year – to help and serve my family.

Oh the circumstances may be the same. Tempers will still flare, words spoken, things broken. But the attitude is different. We can choose to be more forgiving, more gracious in our words, more compassionate to ourselves, when (not if) we fail. It’s not easy, in fact…it is a daily battle.

Even though we’re still struggling to overcome certain difficulties in my child’s behaviour, I know God has a purpose for all this, and that all our struggles will not be in vain.

I know it is in our imperfection and weaknesses that His grace and love shows up.

When you know your struggles have a purpose, your days may not get easier or lighter, but you pull through them anyway. With God’s help.

Whether it’s full-time caring for the family, or working, whatever your hands have found to do, I hope you choose joy, and never let it go.

Open your eyes to see what is pure, lovely and kind.

Keep stress in check, in its place.

Find a community and ask for support when you need it. 

Try out ways to sow peace and fun into your home.

May you find joy and strength, as you cling on to the God of hope.

PS. All these thoughts from a simple post-it note from my boy. It’s funny how God chooses to encourage us. He knows all our cares indeed.

finding joy in parenting

Our Fun Outdoor Photoshoot with Natsuki Photography

We spent a fun morning with Natsuki Photography at Bishan Park (near the McDonald’s).

Here are some of our favourite shots of the day.

Enjoying a picnic…(Check out the little prince lying on my lap)  Natsuki family photoshoot

Natsuki family photoshoot

Natsuki family photography

Family shoot by Natsuki Photography

Do-re-mi

Natsuki family photography

Jump shot! We had to re-take this many times obviously. **Pro-tip: remove heels prior to jumping next time!

Jump shot! by Natsuki Photography

Defying gravity…This one looks like Josh had fallen from the tree. I don’t know how the dad managed to throw him so high.

Natsuki family photoshoot throw shot

Me and my not-so-little ones.Natsuki family photoshoot me and my boy

Natsuki photography great for kids

My boys…

Natsuki family photography cheeky toddler

dad and josh dad and josh 2

And, finally our couple shots…(He nearly dropped me, or at least pretended to!)

Natsuki photoshoot couple shots

Natsuki family photography

Seriously although we’ve been married for years now, it’s still so awkward taking professional shots together. Thankful that we had a beautiful bouquet from A Better Florist to hold, otherwise we wouldn’t have known what to do with our hands!

Natsuki couple with flowers

flowers by A Better Florist closeup

Natsuki family photography

All in all, a fruitful and fun morning. I’m really thankful that Nat and Francis managed to keep the kids happy and smiling throughout the shoot, with their cute soft toy friends that they sprung up at just the right moments. Thanks for helping us capture such lovely memories. (Thank you for being patient with the kids too!)

PS. I booked Natsuki Photography since November last year, and could only get the slot 4 months down the road, so if you’re planning to book with them, do so early! You won’t regret it! The entire package costs $450 (up to 6 pax), and you’ll received min. 40 edited photos, and the rest of the photos will also be returned to you.

Also special thanks to A Better Florist for sending us the beautifully handcrafted flowers! Check them out for your next special occasion or just because. 🙂

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Why listening is so important in marriage

A good listener is a witness, not a judge of your experience

Why listening is so important in marriage

We took a day off to celebrate our ninth anniversary. We had fun all in all but the part I remember most was when we enjoyed a quiet breakfast together at one of our favourite cafes.

The food and coffee was great, but that wasn’t it either. When I drill it down, it was the moments we spent listening intently to each other share our different perspectives and ideas on the struggles that we’ve had managing one of our kids who has been showing anxiety and manifesting difficult behaviour.

Our hearts have been burdened and we’ve had to rely on God and each other for strength.

Seated on a comfy red cushion seat, side by side, I shared my thoughts and observations with him, and he listened quietly and was not in a rush to speak.

Too often, as Stephen Covey put it, we listen to respond, instead of to understand. The reason why we do this habitually is because we seek first to be understood, rather than to understand others. But when we do so, the other person inevitably feels second-rate, judged, or simply not heard.

He gave me a gift that morning – the gift of empathic listening. I didn’t realise it at first; it was all in the subconscious. But then something remarkable happened. Instead of feeling anxious and worried with what was going on at home, I felt secure and calm. We moved forward in the conversation, sharing anecdotes and stories and laughing over some of them.

When I say empathic listening, I mean listening with intent to understand. I mean seeking first to understand, to really understand. It’s an entirely different paradigm. Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel.

Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart….You’re listening to understand. You’re focused on receiving the deep communication of another human soul.

Empathic listening is, in and of itself, a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account. It’s deeply therapeutic and healing because it gives a person psychological air…When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving.” – Stephen Covey

Therapeutic and healing? Like psychological air? Wow give me some of that already.

In this day and age, we are all talking simultaneously, on different platforms, with viral messages flying everywhere and devices beeping every so often. It is hard to keep quiet, stay focused, and listen to any one person at a time.

But for the sake of your family and marriage, this is a skill that we all urgently need to cultivate.

Because of that unrushed conversation and heart-to-heart exchange, we were able to strategise and come up with a fairly detailed plan on how to help our child and our family.

Because of those quiet moments, I saw how God had meant for us to come together to trust in Him and to work in partnership for His purposes. I also saw how my husband’s ability to look at things systematically complemented my own slightly more haphazard, but ideas-based thinking.

I know we may not have the luxury to do this kind of retreats often…I know I sometimes complain of being ignored and not heard…but I also know this is something we will have to keep working at – listening in an unjudgmental, kind, truly understanding way.

Feeling heard and understood is perhaps one of the most underestimated and overlooked ways of loving in this digital age. But giving each other that space and time to feel heard and understood and valued in a marriage is worth every single effort. It is truly a gift of love.

So the next time your spouse or partner says “I’ve something important to share…can we talk?” Drop your phone, turn off the distractions, get you both comfortably seated, stay eye-to-eye so you can get the meaning of those words through the gestures and body movements, and seek to understand things from his/her perspective.

I leave you with a quote from The Lost Art of Listening:

The feeling of not being understood is one of the most painful in human experience. Not being appreciated and responded to depletes our vitality and makes us feel less alive. When we’re with someone who doesn’t listen, we shut down. When we’re with someone who’s interested and responsive – a good listener – we perk up and come alive. Being listened to is as vital to our enthusiasm for life as love and work. So is being a good listener. Understanding the dynamics of listening enables us to deepen and enrich our relationships. It involves learning how to suspend our own emotional agenda and then realizing the rewards of genuine empathy.

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If you had the chance to do the year all over again…

Do you feel like the year has just taken off like a very angry bull and you’re being dragged along in the sand?

I felt a bit like that in the past week.

So I dug in my heels, and hit “pause” on some of the areas of life that I could. And then I learnt about what Viktor Frankl (renowned neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor) did for his clients. In his famous book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” he wrote:

“So live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!”

And I asked myself this question: If you could do the year 2016 all over again, what would you do?

If I could do the year all over again, I would:

  • yell less (practise compassion)
  • connect with my husband more
  • listen to friends with my whole being
  • fret about my imperfections less
  • enjoy my loved ones more
  • declutter our lives (keep our things and schedules simpler)

This method of thinking back, and allowing hindsight to teach us, is actually a therapeutic method used by Viktor Frankl in helping his clients find meaning in life, and create a more meaningful life.

It is about not letting life take you by the reins or allowing busy-ness to overwhelm your days; it is about living the most meaningful and productive life possible. It is also about letting go of trivial and energy-draining matters, because you keep your eye on the bigger picture – the goals and theme for your life.

Because of this, I’m not doing any resolutions this year. Instead, I’m letting this list of what I would have done differently last year, guide my actions and choices this year.

To yell less, I’m going to recognise that there are several degrees of yelling, and the worst should only be used in times of serious danger. I’m going to be conscious to minimise the degrees each time, and work on recovering quickly. I’m going to recognise my anger triggers too.

To connect with my hubby more, I’m going to use this list to help myself: 30 ways to love your husband.

I will share more on the blog in the coming weeks, as I work out more strategies to live well and spend my time fruitfully this year.

Let’s also adopt a growth mindset and be kinder to ourselves this year. I think this is crucial if we hope for our kids to cultivate same growth mindset for themselves.

Now tell me…If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently?

if you could do the year all over again, what would you do? #goals #newyear

Print this out and pin it over your desk as a daily reminder of the important things!

 

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Counting down to 2017 with 7 blessings

2016 has been an eventful year for me personally, as well as for the whole family. Here are 7 things that I’m particularly grateful for.

#1 I reinvented myself as an educator.

It all started when I heard mummywee was starting an enrichment centre with a difference, a.k.a. The Little Executive. It focuses not on teaching content, but on teaching skills, growth mindset, and positive learning habits. I got employed on a part-time basis, and I’ve been on an exciting learning journey there for about half a year. Not too long after, I also embarked on an educational therapy course, harbouring hopes of helping kids with special needs find a stronger footing in this world, emotionally, socially, and cognitively.

It’s been…scary. I’m thankful for the people who believe in me, and who continue to push and encourage me. But it still is scary. Many times, I start to doubt myself, and my choices. But I remind myself that any change will take time, and that it’s okay to start from ground zero.

I read this article about finding that intersection between what you’re good at, what makes you feel appreciated, and the belief that your work is improving people’s lives for the better. It spoke to me, and if you’re in a similar position, I hope it helps you find courage too!

#2  I registered my first company and grew my freelance writing business.

I remember starting out 2016 worrying about how and where to kickstart my writing gig. The work came alright, but in dribs and drabs. It was rather demoralising. But I’m thankful to the hubby who was patient and supportive. By the time we reached the halfway mark of 2016, things were looking more positive. My writing gigs got more regular and the projects I had were also more diverse – ranging from corporate storytelling to travel writing to social media management. All without much hustling on my part, so I am very grateful.

It’s taken me a while to embrace this WAHM thing – the most difficult part was in carving out a workable routine amidst caring for the kids, playing with them, and helping them through various learning stages and challenges. I also realised that I needed me-time more than over, just to stay sane and keep all the balls up in the air. The flexibility has been good, but the downside is the uncertain paycheck at the end of the month. That is something we have chosen to live with for now, so it’s back to simplicity – less holidays (maybe short getaways), less buying, less hoarding – but we are at peace with this choice.

#3  We went on our first church camp to Malaysia as a family of five.

villas on water at sunset

The bus ride to /from the camp site was a tad long and challenging with 3 young kids, but we made it, and was able to enjoy the beautiful and comfortable resort, and listen to and learn from God’s word. The kids made a really good friend along the way, and she turned out to be our villa-neighbour for the next few days – what can I say, God’s grace works in awesome ways…The kids even managed to have a sleepover together, making a long-time dream of theirs come true.

#4  We moved house and settled in quite seamlessly.

room

brothers playing together

kids on bicycles at the park

Things happened really quickly, everything worked out like perfectly fitting pieces of a puzzle, and we moved in a matter of weeks after settling on our home of choice. It almost feels like we’ve been living here for ages. The boys will be starting school soon at the kindy nearby, so I really hope they’ll settle in just as well as they have to our new home.

#5  Vera adjusted well to primary school.

I’ve shared a little about our primary school journey here and here. By and large, Vera has settled well, made a bunch of good friends, and learnt to take charge of her own learning and responsibilities. This has made such a difference to our journey as first-time primary school parents. I found that I could keep my nagging to a minimal and just provide the support she needed at various junctures. There are still gaps, that’s for sure, and I wrote about that too, but I tell myself she’s growing at her own pace too – for me, I just need to watch out and remind her when it’s really needed. Sometimes when we step back, the child seems to take on more and learn more in the process – do you see this too?

#6  JJ found an awesome sports coach.

jj-sports-class

Now this one gets me really excited. JJ has always shown an affinity for sports, not least because he’s quite a movement junkie and has sooo much energy to release. When my friend recommended me this sports class (that is also affordable), we jumped at it. He learns so much from this awesome coach, and is constantly stretched – not just physically but mentally as well, because this coach doesn’t let things go without prompting and challenging the kids to think and strategise and plan. Now that I’m an educator myself, it is just AMAZING to watch. I learn even just by sitting through the 1.5 hour class.

#7  Josh turned Terrific Three!

mum_josh

Ahh, my dear Josh. You turned three and I know all that newfound independence is getting to you and sometimes makes you really cranky. But you know we love you, even if you’re screaming the roof down at the moment. You bring so much joy to our lives…more than you’ll ever know or realise. May the Lord continue to bless and keep you, and grow in you a heart of wisdom, love, and obedience.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Come 2017, and I am still learning. To leap, not blindly but knowingly, into the arms of a very real and invisible God. To embrace uncertainty with a child-like faith. He is a loving God, a God who is ever-generous with His people, a God who always provides…

Every morning, God’s generosity greets us in at least a dozen ways, but we barely recognize it as we frenetically prepare for our day. When we lay our exhausted heads down at night, we often fail to look back on the many gifts that dripped from God’s hands into our little lives…This Thanksgiving season, will you remember to remember the generosity of God? Remembrance produces upward worship, inward humility, and outward generosity. – Paul Tripp

Blessed 2017, friends. May His love and peace shine brightly in your lives always…

happy boy in sports class

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