How to cope with primary school stress

May 23, 2013 9 Comments

Vera turned four this year, and already I’ve started to get questions about where we intend to enrol her for her primary education.

There’s only one word to describe how I feel whenever I get asked.

Stress…

There’s something so unknown and unfamiliar about primary school that makes me break in cold sweat. Plus all the stories I hear about daily homework and what-nots.

I recently had the opportunity to have a conversation with Fiona Walker, Principal of Schools, Julia Gabriel Education. Naturally, I asked her the questions I had in my mind about primary school education and how to prepare my child for it.

Here’s what she shared with me…

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1. What do you identify as the key sources of pre-primary stress? How can parents prepare ourselves to deal with these?

I think that parents themselves are one of the sources of pre-primary stress. There is an element of group hysteria in the need to make sure children are prepared for primary school and the focus is on academic readiness. Because of this, there is a huge market in enrichment classes and tuition schools who feed on the concern by providing courses and classes, which “prepare” children for primary school.

Very often, once the child enters Primary One and is able to cope with the school work, the worry evaporates. For this reason, first time parents are usually much more concerned than parents who have had other children go into primary school.

To avoid being caught up in group pressure, make sure you find out what exactly are the requirements of primary school. Ensure your child meets those criteria but also keep your expectations realistic.

2. How can parents prepare their children to better cope with the transition?

The move to primary school is a big transition for any child. They will go from being the eldest in their preschool, which is usually in a small nurturing environment, to being the youngest in a large and initially confusing school.

Most children find the level of independence expected a bit daunting. I think that a visit to the new primary school is great. The more familiar they can be with the new environment or new routine, the better. Also prepare your child for buying food in the canteen, by giving them opportunity to ask for food in the food court and handle money when making a purchase.

There is a huge amount of emphasis placed on all the things they must do and remember and this can produce a bit of anxiety, so take the time to talk to your child about your happy memories from primary school. Talk about the friendships you made, the adventures you had and the experiences you remember.

Children going into primary school are six years old – still very young. They must not feel burdened by the worries you may have.

3. Which is more important? Academic preparedness or social-emotional preparedness, or both? Why?

In Singapore, both are important. Our school system requires children to have certain academic skills when they enter Primary One, so it is important they are able to manage the workload.

However a child who has confidence and resilience is more likely to enjoy the experience. Strong social skills and healthy self-esteem will mean they find it easier to make friends and ask questions when they are unsure.

If I had to just pick one though, I would choose social-emotional preparedness because it is generally easier for a child to pick up the academic skills if they didn’t have them than build low self confidence, especially if they have found the experience of a new school and social environment distressing.

4. If you could give parents in Singapore a word of advice, what would it be?

Here are two pieces of advice:

  • You know your child best so have realistic expectations. By all means, shoot for the stars but be fair. It is not fair to expect a child who has no Mandarin exposure outside of his hour-a-day, five-days-a-week in preschool to get 95 per cent all the way through primary school.
  • Remember childhood is short and there is no one out there who is going to protect your child’s childhood other than you. If you don’t carve out time for him to explore, play and dream, no one else will and your child will have been robbed of the most magical time of their lives. You can’t get it back!!

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I hope these insights are able to give us some new ideas in navigating this rather touchy topic.

I really value Fiona’s reminder that we as parents are also guardians of our children’s most precious time of their lives – their childhood…

What comes to your mind when you think about primary school education for your child? How would you like your child to experience primary school? 

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What does it take to raise socially responsible kids in Singapore?

May 16, 2013 3 Comments

Do you want your child to learn how to be socially responsible?

To be more aware of social issues, be able to think of ways to achieve a better way of life, and take the appropriate action?

Enter the Design for Change (DFC) School Challenge.

Brainstorming

Organised in Singapore by social enterprise SoCh in Action (an abbreviation for social change in action), all components of the programme are designed to empower 8-14 year olds to make a positive change in society. Now in its fourth year, some 45 schools, and 1200 students have gone through the DFC programme.

Madhu Verma, Founder of SoCh, says, “The interesting thing is that we begin by asking the children what bothers them, and then get them to go out and fix it themselves. By enabling children to take charge of the issues that affect them, we are inculcating a life-long habit where children assume responsibility instead of waiting to be told what to do.”

I had a chance to speak with Madhu to find out more about the DFC Challenge. Here are snippets of our conversation…

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1. What inspired you to start this movement?

I believe that social change and connecting to society should be a way of life. There are many simple things that one can do, and it doesn’t mean you have to build houses or plant trees. Even small little action steps can be taken to bring about positive change.

I’m a mother. My son was 9 years old when I started this.  I drew inspiration from my desire to help my child be more socially conscious, and learn to give back. I found out that when a child is around 8-9 years old, it is prime time for them to understand and explore this concept of giving back.

I also felt that there was a gap. There were many programmes for youths to make a difference, but nobody was asking the child these questions: What issues bother you, and how can you make a difference?

In the Singapore education system, we tend to celebrate the smartest child. But we don’t really celebrate the one who’s the most kind, empathetic, and generous.

2. How exactly do you guide the children to contribute to society? 

We meet with the students in a series of workshops, in which we provide tools for the students to perform and do their project.

1) We inspire them by sharing stories, connecting them to society/issues, helping them identify causes they can relate to.

2) We provide them with the tools to implement their ideas. It’s based on a design-thinking process – that is employed through creative thinking and problem-solving activities.

3) We empower them through the process, and as a result they are able to have a real social impact in their community.

After these workshops, they are ready to implement their project. They submit it, and at the end of the year, there is an annual event, where these projects are showcased in Singapore. The event serves as a celebration of their work and ideas.

When I started working with children, it was an amazing journey. I saw that this platform actually presents an opportunity for them to act on something that is close to their hearts, and empowers them to go out to do it.

3. What are some of the more interesting projects you’ve come across?

There are many different social causes. Some are concerned about genetically modified food, or other environmental issues.

One particular child (from Clementi Primary) was bothered about how teachers and parents “make a monster out of PSLE.” And because they make a monster out of it, it becomes a monster for us! (Those were his exact words.)

This boy went on to craft a message: that PSLE is not a monster. And that we can have better attitudes towards it.

At the end of the day, while we can’t really measure the impact he made with that project, we saw how much this student himself actually changed.

It’s all about the attitude.

There was another project on showing respect for elderly cleaners. Often, we don’t know the names of these people who clean our tables every day. We barely acknowledge their work, and they are generally not respected in the community. Through this project, students became more aware of these cleaners and more started clearing their own plates after a meal.

So, it’s about stopping and thinking about the world around you. When we gives children an avenue to think, and not just be told by others what to do, they actually start to own the problem it and be empowered by a spirit of “I can”.

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The DFC programme crosses socio-economic and racial barriers, and is tailored for every child.

SoCh will be offering holiday programmes at the end of this year for the first time. If you’d like to be updated, please email Madhu at: contact@sochinaction.com. Do also watch out for the Be the Change Exposition 2013 that happens in November.

I’m heartened that are such programmes available to help our kids grow in an area that is easily overlooked. Yet at the same time, I’m also sorely aware that social change and responsibility begins with us parents, and our children will first and foremost learn from our own attitudes and behaviour.

Which is why I hope you’ll take a few minutes to read this inspiring post by fellow blogger Elisa, who started A Litter At A Time. Let’s a lot to learn from her experience and exemplary behaviour. ;)

Do you have a heart for a special cause? How would you rope your children in to contribute towards this cause?

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Cultivating a growth mindset in our children

April 23, 2013 8 Comments

“Sometimes the problem with a child isn’t too little effort. It’s too much. And for the wrong cause. We’ve all heard about schoolchildren who stay up past midnight every night studying. Or children who are sent to tutors so they can outstrip their classmates. These children are working hard, they’re typically not in a growth mindset. They’re not focused on love of learning. They’re usually trying to prove themselves to their parents.”

I’ve been reading and enjoying Mindset by Carol Dweck. In her years of research as a world-renowned psychologist, Carol has found that there exists two different mindsets in people. They either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

The growth mindset says: Go for it. Make it happen. Develop your skills. Learn from your mistakes.

The fixed mindset says: Don’t do it. Don’t take the risk. Others may see that you’re not as talented as you ought to be.

People with fixed mindsets are constantly judging (themselves and well as others). The underlying assumption is that character traits are fixed and unchangeable.

People with growth mindsets are observing but not judging. They’re always asking: What can I learn from this? How can I improve? How can I help my partner do better?

Moving from a fixed to a growth mindset entails “changing the internal monologue from a judging one to a growth-oriented one.”

Some tips from her book:

  • Encourage to enjoy – help remind your children to enjoy the things they are learning, be it piano, dance or speech and drama.
  • Study to understand – encourage them to study for understanding, not for cramming and regurgitating it on exam papers, and not merely for grades
  • Focus on process – talk to them about the learning process rather than the outcome
  • Praise them for effort and for trying something new or challenging. Try not to focus on results alone.

We can also help our kids along by asking the right questions:

  • What did you learn today?
  • What mistake did you make that taught you something?
  • What did you try hard at today?

Perhaps the most difficult thing for us as parents is actually living the growth mindset out. Modelling how it should be is always a lot harder, especially since most of us have some degree of fixedness in certain areas.

It’s about believing that you can grow, and that you still have much to learn. (The same goes for our kids.)

It’s about giving voice to courage, being willing to try new things and facing up to the risk of  failure, or at least not letting fear make you run in the other direction.

I used to run the other direction. When I was in school, I didn’t like failing, so I made sure I didn’t try so hard. (It just ain’t cool to be trying hard and then failing, you know?)

When stuff like A Maths got too difficult in Secondary Four, I remember going through a mental debate. My fixed-oriented self said “Drop it, you’re not good at maths, just forget it, it’s not worth the effort to struggle without knowing what you’re going to get.” My growth-oriented self said “Give it a shot. You never know…You might surprise yourself.”

I went for it in the end, despite my teacher pushing me in the other direction. I can’t take much credit for going ahead, because I probably wouldn’t have done so if not for a friend who was in the same boat and who encouraged me to go through with it.

I didn’t top the class, but I was happy with the result, and boy did I mug for it.

Now, as a working adult, it’s a constant drive to achieve good results for my clients. From my recent work experiences, I’ve learnt that you can really grow and stretch beyond your means by stepping out of your comfort zone, and not by sticking to what you’re comfortable with.

As I continue to grow in various aspects and in different roles, I hope to be able to model this growth mindset to my children, that they may catch it and run their own race.

May this be a little reminder to us:

“You may have needed a daughter who was number one in everything, but your daughter needed something else: Acceptance from her parents and freedom to grow.”

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Does tuition have a place in childhood?

August 20, 2012 Leave a Comment

Childhood is precious. What do you remember about yours?

I remember playing marbles, hopscotch, running about with the neighbourhood kids, and getting up to all sorts of mischief with my brother.

Kids today seem to be growing up to a different beat, a more competitive one. The ages of kids attending tuition classes are getting younger. The number of enrichment courses and tuition classes continue to climb, with some programmes even catering to infants as young as six months old.

I spoke to some of my peers and one of them made an insightful remark. She thinks that only a handful of parents in Singapore are truly and deeply “kiasu” (fear losing out); the rest of us are pressured to follow suit because we see everyone else do the same, and we start to worry that our kids will not be able to keep up.

At the end of the day, we just want what is best for our kids. But is tuition and enrichment really the best way to go?

Join me at World Moms Blog today as we ask the question: How do we say yes to the best, and no to the rest?

 

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For the love of enrichment classes

May 9, 2012 9 Comments

Parents living in Singapore are spoilt  for choice – when it comes to enrichment classes that is. There is enrichment of the arty type, musical type, dance type, performance type, sporty type, language…the list goes on.

Recently, a question popped into mind: Does my child actually need enrichment classes to grow and develop well? 

Now, let me say on the onset that I’m not against enrichment classes. When Vera turned two, I remember having a conversation with the hubby on what classes to go for. Because we chose a mainstream childcare centre that was close to our home, it did not offer much by way of enrichment classes. No gym, no specialty art, no…you know what I mean. So the kiasu Singaporean in me wondered if my daughter was going to “lose out” in any way in the future. (It’s not something I like to acknowledge, but if you poke around my heart deep enough, the fear is there.)

Well, it’s been 14 months since then. Vera has since moved from the childcare centre to a kindergarten, as we wanted brother and sister to spend more time together – you know doing stuff like perfecting the art of snatching toys from each other without mummy yelling and removing the said toys at once.

Ahem, my point is…Vera is developing well and is like any normal girl her age, without any external classes except for kindy. But can I really conclude that enrichment classes don’t matter that much?

I guess it boils down to personal choice and individual situations. For us, we are blessed to have the grannies around to play with the kids, while mum and dad are away making hay while the sun shines. Now that I’m home two extra weekdays a week, we get to spend time exploring new places, doing simple art and learning activities, reading, singing songs… (Vera enjoys putting on little song / dance items to entertain us too.)

Come weekends, we get to spend extended periods playing, running about at the playground, meeting up with friends, and doing some craft or artwork. I guess, by the grace of God, we haven’t run out of activity ideas for the kids. Yet. (And if one day we really do, there’s always the trip to the playground that will save the day, right?)

But I digress. If you’re considering enrichment classes, maybe it’s good to start with some basic questions:

- What will truly enrich my child’s life? Is it something that I can’t fully provide for at home?

- What is my child inclined to? Does s/he display a gifting in certain areas or preferences for particular types of activities?

- What is his/her learning style? Is the enrichment provider’s teaching style a good match for my child? 

- What are your priorities/goals as a family? eg. For us we’ve identified that the sibling relationship and just being able to play together is foremost right now.

In a social context where usually both parents have formal employment outside the home, enrichment classes can play a supplementary role, and ‘enrich’ the child’s learning experience. Employed effectively, they can encourage and build your child up in an area of gifting, or even in an area of perceived lack (for example, in the Chinese language).

But choose wisely, as time and resources are limited.

For us, we’ve chosen to space out enrichment classes for Vera. Now that she’s turned three, we are planning to embark on art workshops (for the first time) during the June holidays. So far we’ve been having fun with simple art activities at home, so I think it would be great to expose her to some art lessons.

Further down the road, we might do a performance related one as well, since Vera loves performing so much. Next year, we might also think about swimming and/or music lessons.

As a hands-on parent, needless to say, I want the best for my children. I see it as my privilege to be able to learn alongside them, encourage them to try new things, and to water their thirst for learning and exploration.

At the same time, my ideal is to be able to do more home-learning activities with them. Some days I may feel inadequate and tight on time, but still every effort should be worth it.

But what do you think? What enrichment classes have you considered for your child? 

Check out this article for home-learning tips and ideas:

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Education is not a race

January 3, 2012 38 Comments

The article titled ‘Sorry, your child is not bright enough’ published in Today has been creating waves lately, at least where my Facebook and Twitter are concerned.

I’ve heard from some parents sharing about how the tuition industry and its proponents have ‘mercenarised’ education, and about how wrong it is that some enrichment centres reject children from entering if they don’t pass an entrance test. And we are talking about children as young as six here.

The idea about enrichment centres ‘streaming’ and selecting ‘the cream of the crop’ is appalling. I think it’s also very revealing about the way Singapore does education.

But my main focus here is on parents — who feel that if they don’t enrol their children in these centres they will get left behind even before they set foot in primary one. I know we live in an extremely competitive and ‘kiasu’ environment, and as parents, we only want to provide the best environment for our children’s intellectual growth and well-being. But have we ever stopped to think that all this pushy parenting and undue stress can be counter-productive to the learning and development of our young ones?

If you were a 6-year-old, and you’ve just been told that you didn’t make it into a particular enrichment centre because you didn’t do well enough on a test, how would you feel? What would it do to your self-esteem?

At best, the child makes it through, does sufficiently well through primary school and secondary level education, and lands himself a spot at a local university (something he might have been able to do anyway without the help of an external education provider at a young age). But at worst?

Perhaps we need to rethink the equation that child + enrichment courses = good grades = highly intelligent and eventually successful individual. Perhaps we need to rethink the entire concept of intelligence itself.

I’ve been reading John Medina’s Brain Rules for Baby, and it’s been a refreshing read. Medina is a developmental molecular biologist and author of the New York Times bestseller Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School – a provocative book that challenges the way our schools and work environments have traditionally been designed.

In Brain Rules for Baby, Medina talks about the danger of hyper-parenting, and lists the ways in which it can potentially hurt our children’s intellectual development:

  1. Extreme expectations stunt higher-level thinking — pushing your child to perform tasks his brain is not developmentally ready to do can lead to them resorting to lower-level thinking instead of higher-level thinking and processing skills.
  2. Pressure can extinguish curiosity — where children focus their energy on securing parents’ approval instead of exploring their worlds.
  3. Continual anger or disappointment becomes toxic stress — at the extreme, this can create a psychological state known as learned helplessness, which can physically damage a child’s brain, and is deemed a ‘gateway to depression’.

Really, good grades are not the be all and end all. Don’t stress our young. Let them enjoy their childhood. If you really want to invest in their education, try these instead.

Spend time with them.

Nurture their love for exploration and discovery.

Model timeless values such as kindness and generosity.

Instill gratitude.

Read great books together.

Hone their social skills.

Emphasize the value of effort and hard work.

And perhaps, just perhaps, these will benefit them in all areas of life, above and beyond the academic realm.

I leave you with this quote from the book:

“Write this across your heart before your child comes into the world: Parenting is not a race. Kids are not proxies for adult success. Competition can be inspiring, but brands of it can wire your child’s brain in a toxic way. Comparing your kids with your friends’ kids will not get them, or you, where you want to go.”

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