Love in the time of coronavirus

It’s Valentine’s day this week but I don’t think the florists and restaurants are going to be that busy—at least not as busy as previous years.

Many couples will choose to go low-key, because of the nCoV19 virus that’s been spreading on our shores.

For the hub and I, this will be our 15th Valentine’s day together. Not that we are big on celebrating it, we’d never splash out on an expensive dinner just because it’s V-day, but I do insist ask that he bring home a small trinket each year. Whether it’s chocolate, a small bouquet of flowers, or a special meal (so I don’t have to cook up a sweat), it’s just a little something to remind him that he still needs to pursue me, to make an effort now and then, even though I’m legally and lovingly his wife.

This year will be pretty special. Well, we’re definitely staying home…because he’s arranged to meet an ID at our place to talk about the design of our new home.

When I found out, I wasn’t mad. But I said sarcastically: “Oh so clever, like that we don’t need to celebrate.”

To which he replied: “I think it’s romantic.”

To be honest, just like how the CNY mood quickly dissipated into the air when news of the virus hit our media (and minds), it may be hard to conjure up lovey-dovey feelings this week, as we hunker down and prepare ourselves for when the spread gets worst.

Since we can’t go out on dates (well unless you count walking out to the hawker centre to get takeaway a date), we are going to make use of the time we have at home to:

  • Plan for our new home
  • Read books (I’ve downloaded The Handmaid’s Tale and The Meaning of Marriage into Overdrive)
  • Ask each other questions (like these or these)
  • Create a bucket list of places/things we’d like to do and visit
  • Play more board games with the kids (our hot favourites currently are Organ Attack, Monopoly Deal, and Go Nuts for Donuts.
  • Do devotionals regularly at night (we use ODB’s Give Us This Day, kindly gifted to us by Susan from A Juggling Mom. You can also request a copy online.)

 

If like us, you’re planning to keep it simple this Valentine’s weekend, here are some small but meaningful acts of love you can consider:

  • Plant a kiss on his cheek before he leaves for work
  • Sneak a card into his briefcase
  • Cook him a nice steak (or whatever he likes) for dinner/pack a surprise dinner and let her have a break from the kitchen
  • Gather everyone into the room for a movie (yes this year, the kids will get to experience Valentine’s day with us)
  • Watch your tongue and use more affirming words, while reducing critical or harsh words
  • Take care of the meals/laundry/housework without complaining
  • Go for a leisurely walk at the park if weather permits
  • Light some candles or open a bottle of wine, just because

 

I started out writing about marital love, but in thinking about the virus and human behaviour I’m now inclined to talk about a different kind of love—the kind of love that sees (people’s needs) and serves.

  • The hospital staff who are tirelessly serving the needs of their patients and their family members.
  • The security people working hard to guard the entry into office buildings and schools.
  • The teachers who while constantly worried that they may get exposed to the virus, choose to place the needs of their students ahead of themselves.
  • The mums and dads who try to secure groceries and other goods in a bid to ensure their families get fed. (Particularly those who refrain from going overboard and get just enough or a bit more.)
  • The common folk like you and I who are just trying in our own little ways to remain calm and spread calm.

Love in the time of coronavirus

They say that laughter is good medicine. But at such a time as this, love is an even stronger medicine.

And this love, it begins with our words and actions at home.

You may have heard of the famous passage on love in 1 Corinthians 13. Here’s a little twist on it in light of our times.

Love is patient (when you have to stop to take temperature). Love is kind. It does not envy others who have masks. It does not hoard food supplies it doesn’t need. It does not tell medical workers to not board the bus. It stays home if it has been given Leave of Absence or if feeling unwell. It brings food to those around who are in need.

It is not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered.

Love does not delight in hearing there are patients in critical condition, but rejoices when even one of them recovers fully.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

38 habits of love that can change the atmosphere of your home

We’ll be celebrating our 10th year anniversary this year and I’m feeling thankful for the journey that we’ve made thus far.

Still, there is room for us to grow and become better life partners to each other. And we’re constantly trying to think of ways to keep the flame burning.

Sometimes we tend to overlook the small daily habits, but apparently…we shouldn’t. As the Gottman Institute says, “It’s the seemingly meaningless little moments of connection that are the most meaningful of all.”

How to love your spouse (1)

Here are some daily habits that we can cultivate at home (listed according to the 5 love languages):

Words of affirmation

1. Say “thank you” when she cooks a nice meal

2. Say “thank you” when the other takes over the kids

3. Say “thank you” when the other has done something for you

4. Express words of affection, e.g., that she’s beautiful, gentle, or understanding. (Likewise for him, tell him he’s   loving, kind, or hardworking.)

5. Listen with curiosity and seek to understand first before responding

6. Express support when you know she’s been having a rough time at work. (Likewise for the ladies too.)

7. Sneak a love note into her handbag (or use the note to wrap a chocolate bar and hide it in her handbag.)

8. Compliment her on a new dress or hairstyle

9. Make a gratitude list for each other, and take turns to read it out one date night.

10. Send her a sweet WhatsApp message out of the blue

 

Acts of service

11. Do the laundry, sometimes

12. Wipe the dishes she’s washed

13. Play chef for the night

14. Wash the car without her asking

15. Throw the trash at night

16. Top up the fuel when it’s low

17. Offer to ferry the kids to enrichment classes and let her sleep in on the weekends

18. Carry her heavy bags

19. Inform her early if you’re not having dinner at home

20. Check with each other before making a major decision

21. Make an effort to protect family time and prioritise it above other commitments

22. Ask her how you can help out more at home

 

Gifts

23. Surprise her with flowers for no reason

24. Pick out a handbag/jewellery for an occasion

25. Plan a romantic getaway/staycation just for the both of you.

 

Touch

26. Hug often, before you leave for work/after you return

27. Hold her hand when you’re out on dates/shopping

28. Give her a kiss the moment you step in the door (John Gottman even suggests doing a 6-second kiss every single day!)

29. Lead her across the road or at crowded places

30. Diffuse some essential oils, turn down the lights, and give him a massage.

 

Quality time

31. Spend time exercising together

32. Go for a walk in the park

33. Learn something new together

34. Check out a new cafe or restaurant together

35. Catch up (even if just for a few minutes) at the end of a long day

36. Pray for each other often

37. Plan a surprise date and pick her up after work.

38. Put your phone on airplane mode during your weekly or monthly date night

 

As part of my focus to be faithful in the small things, I hope to cultivate more of these little habits of love at home. 

What would you add to this list? What are your favourite ways to show and receive love?

Love never fails

Vera surprised me one evening with this drawing of the hubby and I. It had a bold caption: Love never fails.

There were flowers in a vase on a table. A big cross stood out in the middle of the table.

It reminded me of this verse in 1 Corinthians.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

I asked Vera why she chose to draw the cross. She said it means that Jesus is in the house.

I then asked why she chose to write the words “Love never fails.” She said it was papa who gave her the idea. She originally had in mind some other words to write, but she thought daddy’s idea sounded better.

I was glad for this gentle reminder to keep God in the heart of all things, including our humble home.

As for everything else, Love never fails. His love, that is. Our human love may wane or fade or grow cold over time and trials. But His love never does.

Love_never_fails

 

 

Little Lessons: Never underestimate a child’s ability to love

Occasionally, my little girl astounds me.

This is one incident where I’m left deeply humbled.

There are tantrums, and there are tantrums. JJ was having one of the latter and I was at the end of my rope. I felt like screaming. Instead, I walked away, feeling helpless and exasperated. I looked at Vera, and thought she might be able to help her little brother, so I asked her to go and talk to him.

She went. She sat. She said some words. She gave him his water bottle and asked him to stop crying.

The words she spoke probably echoed some of mine, uttered over the past two years.

Her actions, like handing him his bottle, reminded me of my own.

But her heart, was different.

Where I had been harsh, she was gentle.

Where I had been frustrated, she was calm.

She told her little brother, “It’s okay, stop crying. Listen to mummy huh…” In a sweet, sing-song voice.

I was stooping beside her, facing him. Him in his orange calm-down chair. Him with the red face, the heaving shoulders, the loud sobs.

I could see, all of a sudden. The frustration with dealing with a temperamental child often cripples my ability to love, despite my best attempts to do so.

But Vera carries no such frustration. She is free from baggage. I simply asked her to help. And she did, in a way that she knows how.

My girl (who’s really an angel in disguise) humbles me. She teaches me how to love, better, purer, with each ordinary day.

She shows me how kind-hearted love ought to be.

My friend once told me that God gave us children so we can grow to become better people. I see that clearly now…
children teach us what life is about

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Little Lessons: Gifts of love

Dear hubby,

You’ve given me many gifts throughout our marriage but today I’d like to single out two of these.

Laughter. And zen.

Since our dating days, you’ve already been making me laugh. I guess that’s what attracted me to you in the first place. Sometimes it’s a silly joke, or the funny things you say or do.

Then when we had our first baby, things got stressful for a long while as we adapted to the new life. I often had difficulty seeing the lighter side of things but you helped me along.

And now as we settle into life with three, you recently cracked me up again. So hard it actually hurt my ribs a little.

Here’s my account of what happened…(Though words can only say so much and I wish I’d videoed the entire scene down.)

Because of you, I now believe that every married couple who wants to stay married must laugh. A lot…

You’re also the zen one.

My friends used to label me zen, but that was before kids came into the picture.

Today I’m often frazzled and stressed out as a mum (perhaps more seasoned now and able to let go, but still…)

You on the other hand are usually calm and patient. It takes a lot for the kids to drive you up the wall. (But when you do get there you tend to stay there for a long time.)

You’ve taught and encouraged me to stay calm, and not shout or yell to get my way.

Just the other night when JJ was acting up, you were just about to cane him. But I went in and started to speak to him in a low calm voice. And I believe that it somehow helped to calm him, and you, down as well. When we left the room, I felt a sense of peace. I was like, hey I can do this parenting thing without yelling.

Granted I still have my moments, but I think it’s because of you that I’ve come this far.

What is it they say about a partner bringing out the best in a person. Yeah I think something like that has happened around here.

Every marriage needs a variety of ingredients to thrive. For me, the laughter and zen that you’ve brought to my life (and the family) have been both precious and practical.

Of course then there’s the romance and communication aspects that could always have room for improvement. But I shall save those for another post.

Thank you for making marriage and family life fun and calm for me. We’ve come a short distance, and we still have a long way to go. But I’m glad to be walking this road of life and love (plus a bit of crazy) with you.

xoxo

keep the love alive

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