Last week, Vera studied for her tingxie (Chinese spelling) by herself. I had clean forgotten about it until I passed by her desk and saw the list of words on her desk. Then she asked me to test her and I did.
Later that night, JJ asked her to read for him a story from the Berenstein Bears book. She obliged and read to him for awhile. It was near her bedtime and I had to cut it short so she could prepare for bed, but I gave them a couple more minutes in order for her to finish the last few pages.
While she was doing her night routine (brush teeth, pack bag, lay out uniform, etc) I wrote some goals on her closet door.
By writing them down, I was trying to use them to affirm her deeds that day, while also setting a benchmark for her to continue working towards. I drew her some hearts and stars and acknowledged how she was kind to her brother by reading for him, and how she had planned ahead to prepare for her spelling on her own. (As the days go by, I hope to be able to give out more hearts and stars.)
She was really pleased to see what I wrote and to receive the affirmation. I was also glad that JJ was in the room to witness and hopefully remember what I said.
Note to self: I need to catch the kids doing good more often – it’s something that doesn’t come naturally and needs a lot of practice. But I believe it will encourage them to want to do better intrinsically. I hope that the scales will tip towards this more as opposed to its current state where I have to dish out quite a lot of verbal correction and warnings on a daily basis.
When we started off the year, I remember checking Vera’s school bag, her handbook (where she writes down her homework and important instructions), and asking her, “Have you done this, and that…?”
As the weeks went by, I had to gradually stop myself from issuing such reminders, hoping that she’d pick up more of the responsibility and more “automation.” (After all, I wasn’t the one who’s going to get into trouble when she forgets her homework right?)
2, 3 months passed. I realise I wasn’t looking into her handbook very much anymore. 4, 5 months, I stopped reminding her weekly to prepare for her spelling. I stopped asking her if there’s anything she needs my signature on. It’s been half a year and she seems to be able to take care of her study/homework responsibilities more.
But I also see that she has a long way to go to becoming the independent learner she can be.
She still struggles with certain aspects of organisation, like keeping things back to where they belong, and keeping her work desk tidy.
She started violin lessons earlier this year but has not developed the habit of practising every other day. So I’m in the midst of working out a practice schedule for her.
She still needs reminders to finish her meal (sometimes she gets distracted by whatever her brothers are doing or saying.)
She has not developed a strong chore ethic at home yet. Right now, she tidies up messes and cleans the table and folds her laundry on an irregular basis, maybe once or twice a week. There’s a lot of room for improvement so I plan to incorporate different chore items into her schedule.
On my part, I will try not to nag or scold as much. But will rely on a visual schedule and some timely reminders to help her along. I’ll also try to catch her doing good especially on her own initiative, and give her lots of affirmation and hugs in return. And maybe the occasional ice-cream treat.
We are all imperfect. We all have room to grow.
The word for me this season? Delight in my children. Affirm them.
They may frustrate me, but I want to remember to delight and rejoice over them. To remember they are God’s gifts to me.
Here are some affirming words I hope to use more often:
1) “You are such a blessing to me.”
2) “You are beautiful not just on the outside but also on the inside, because you are loving and kind to others.”
3) “I loved the way you played with your brother. Did you see how happy he was?”
4) When she comes home from school, replace “Any homework?” with “How was your day?”
5) End off any disciplinary measures with “I may be angry because I don’t like this behaviour…but I still love you.”
How do you like to affirm and encourage your child?