Home alone (with two)

May 6, 2013 9 Comments

Daddy’s gone overseas for reservist for three whole weeks. This means I’m pretty much home alone with my two little darlings for the next three weekends.

Cue Macaulay Culkin’s shaving cream slapped on face scene.

Haha, I jest. But only slightly.

Well I’m thankful that now I’m pretty much able to handle the kids by myself, on most days at least. They’ve reached a bit of a sweet spot, and have started to play together, or at least be doing their own thing in the same room. Some days, I wake up at 8am (instead of the usual 7am) to find both of them awake and playing by themselves outside.

No, wait…Who am I trying to kid?

Such pockets of bliss happen but there’s also the ugly side.

As he nears the age of two, or the age of un-reason, Javier’s temper tantrums have started to reach a peak. At the same time, Vera’s displaying a new emo-ness. It arises whenever her little bro snatches her things or destroys her possessions. Or when she’s eating something she finds “messy” or when there’s “too much food everywhere”.

Whatever it is, she’s been needing a whole lot more attention and affirmation. I’m aware that she’s four and she’s entering a new phase, but I haven’t quite got a good grasp of its full nature and how to help her cope better.

By and large, it is a challenging period. One that we’ve managed to scrape by with a few time-outs, a few hell-knows-no-fury-like-a-two-year-old confrontations, some timely distractions, and paddle whacks on the hand or behind. (Oh and let’s not forget that trusty pack of raisins I carry around in my purse to diffuse some of those meltdown moments.)

Thankfully, there’s the nearby park/playgrounds/library/malls. I’ve also recently tried letting them hang out at a nearby foodcourt, where there is an open space and I can park myself at the nearest table where I can see them full view, and…hear this, actually be able to READ A BOOK! (No doubt it’s distracted reading because I need to keep looking up and down, but reading no less.)

I’ve also prepared for the worst by asking for help. One Saturday morning is already filled with a swim date. And a kind couple who stay nearby have even offered refuge in their home.

If all else fails, there’s always ice-cream.

I’ve picked up a few play ideas from attending a Parenting with Confidence workshop (while sitting in and preparing myself to facilitate the workshop one day). Here are some that’s on my to-do list:

  • Throw paper balls into a bin
  • Hide & Seek Biscuits – Hide biscuits in foil and let the kids hunt for their snacks

Oh, I’m also going to make short clips of the kids having fun or saying something sweet to send to daddy over whatsapp. (Shh, don’t tell him!)

But apart from having to entertain the kids, I think I have a bigger challenge on my hands…It’s having to answer this question that I’m sure will be asked 2,829 times a day.

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Shepherding a Child’s Heart: 5 lessons from the book

November 6, 2012 6 Comments

I’ve been reading Ted Tripp’s Shepherding a Child’s Heart since the day we took the zoo trip away.

Here are 5 things that I’ve learnt from the book so far.

1) We have authority from God to discipline our children 

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” ~Ephesians 6:4  

We have been given this important task of training our children up in God’s ways, and the authority is actually from above.

However, more often than we like to admit, our own agenda creeps in, and along with that, unholy anger. This is how Ted describes it: “Unholy anger – anger over the fact that you are not getting what you want from your child – will muddy the waters of discipline. Anger that your child is not doing what you want frames discipline as a problem between parent and child, not as a problem between the child and God.”

He goes on to say that correction is not about showing anger at your child’s offenses, but about pointing out to them that their bad behaviour offends God.

Reading this really helped me to see things from a different perspective. I found that so much of the battles we’ve fought with Vera before was on this basis of us versus her. Although I remember we did sometimes try to help her see that she was actually disobeying God when she acted rebelliously towards us, on hindsight I think we did not emphasise this enough.

2) Focus correction upon attitudes of heart rather than merely on behaviour

It’s often easier to work at changing outward behaviour, but since everything a person does is really a function of his heart, it makes more sense to focus our energies at addressing and engaging the hearts of our children.

There is an example in the book about two siblings fighting over a toy. (Sounds familiar?) In our family, I find that we often ask the elder one to give in to the younger child. But Ted points out that when we look at it in terms of the heart, actually both are in the wrong. Both children are being selfish, and both need to be corrected.

3) Discipline is an expression of love!

It’s not the opposite as we sometimes tend to think. And the guilt that we feel (after we discipline) is probably a by-product of that thinking. I found this quote very meaningful.

“Discipline has a corrective objective. It is therapeutic, not penal. It is designed to produce growth, not pain.”

Although it may be necessary to involve some pain during the process, seen in this light, we can take heart that the focus of discipline is really to help our children grow in maturity and understanding. It is focused on restoring the child back to rightness with God and with you.

4) Choose your parenting goals carefully

My goal as a Christian parent is not to produce children who are well-mannered or excel academically. At the end of the day, when all’s said and done, it is really about teaching our children to love God and to live for His glory.

5) Communicate to understand the heart

Ted advocates the use of the rod as well as healthy communication between parent and child, but I like that he emphasises the need for us to understand our children’s hearts and needs.

“Your objective in communication must be to understand your child, not simply to have your child understand you.”

Wise words…I will definitely be putting some of these insights into good use. Will keep you guys updated on how that goes. :)

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We’re not going to the zoo

October 16, 2012 26 Comments

If there was an award given to The Meanest Parent on Planet Earth, I would probably get it.

Last week, Vera was due to visit the zoo with her friends at school. However, she had been disobedient the day before, kicking up a fuss when my godmother picked her up from school. She refused to leave the school and insisted that my mother go and pick her up instead. And it didn’t stop at that. After lunch, she refused to nap at her usual time and was still awake 2 hours later. She only went down after a few spanks on the bum. Come dinner-time, she refused to eat when asked. She had her dinner late as a result, and it was only when daddy came home and asked her to eat!

She was downright uncooperative and difficult the entire day.

Because it wasn’t an isolated case, and she had given my godmother a headache a few times throughout the past two weeks, we decided that this warranted a serious punishment.

And so we took the zoo trip away from her.

That morning, when we told her and explained that because of her defiant behaviour, she would not be allowed to go to the zoo, she wailed like someone had stolen her favourite biscuits AND chocolate cake. Her face was all red and scrunched and I could feel a teeny bit of my resolve starting to shake.

Were we being too harsh?

Was her behaviour caused by something else that we are not aware of?

We reassured her of our love and were generous with our hugs. I told her plainly that it was her disobedience that led to us taking away her zoo trip. She understood, but she was inconsolable. She kept repeating “I want to go”, punctuated only by breathless sobs.

I thought daddy was going to buckle too but he stood firm.

I’m sorry, Vera. You’re not going to the zoo today.

You will learn and hopefully remember the concept of consequences.

Every bad behaviour begets a negative consequence, and since caning is no longer deemed the most ideal nor the first point of call (mainly because of your temperament and also because mummy is trying a different approach), you will learn through the hard way – by having something you desire taken away from you.

We love you. That’s the honest-to-goodness truth. It’s precisely because of this love that you have to bear with the consequence now. (Not in spite of.)

At some point, I wanted to back down and show you grace instead. But I realise that if you don’t learn this today, this scene will likely repeat in the near future, so I will only be prolonging the pain.

For all of us.

~~~~~

It’s funny. Even though we felt convicted that we did the best thing, I still feel a tad guilty from time to time. Even now.

Well, that day passed without much further drama. She was well-behaved over the rest of the week. It’s too early to tell if this would have a lasting effect, and I’m still thinking through what could be the possible factors leading to her misbehaviour. (I will have to save that for another post.)

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Anger Management 102: Coping strategies and self-care

May 22, 2012 Leave a Comment

In my earlier post on anger management, I shared a bit about anger management and its effects on children. Today, I will be touching on the two main ingredients of anger: stress and trigger thoughts, and how to manage them. (Information courtesy of the NUH Women’s Emotional Health Service’s anger management workshop.)

stress

Stress predisposes us to anger. It sets the scene for anger. Ever wonder why sometimes you react differently towards the same behaviour in your child? Stress is the main reason. Your state of mind, or more specifically, how stressful you are at the time is a key determining factor.

A trigger thought is the automatic thought that pops into your head, interpreting the situation. It happens in a split second, and often you don’t even know you’re thinking it until you sit down and reflect after the incident.

That thought (usually something about your child) sets off an angry response, converting that internal stress into something expressed externally: anger / frustration / crying / yelling / hitting.

If we want to better manage our emotions, we need to deal with both fronts.

Self-care for Stress

To help keep stress levels in check, take care of your needs. Self-care is important, especially as a modern, multi-tasker mum. Watch over your basic needs; have sufficient rest, exercise, maintain a healthy diet. Also, watch your emotional needs. Keep communication lines open with your spouse, schedule couple time, and even some me-time. Go ahead, you deserve it.

Basically, anything that can help you be in the best state of mind, is beneficial to your family too.

Talk back to trigger thoughts

In my earlier post, some of the readers already identified the thoughts that were in their minds at the point of an angry outburst. These could be: ‘You never listen’ or ‘You’re being difficult’, or ‘He’s driving me crazy!’

One way to combat these negative and often extreme thoughts is to talk back to them. Try these talk-back thoughts instead:

  • It’s just a stage. Kids have to go through these stages.
  • This is how he’s coping with his feelings and needs. It’s not about me.
  • I can cope with this. I don’t have to get angry.

These thoughts help to offer a more realistic view of the situation and your child, as opposed to than the emotional-charged trigger thoughts. The next time you find yourself in a tense situation, take a step back and see what is going through your head at the moment, and then try and see if you can come up with your own talk-back thought. I know it helps because I’ve tried it too, though it might take a while to get used to, and changes may not occur overnight.

Here are some other ideas that I took home from the workshop:

  • Understand your child’s developmental stage – certain traits can be expected at different developmental stages, and it’s helpful to understand what these are before concluding that the child is deliberately misbehaving. For example, around age 2-3 years old, a child tends to blur fantasy and reality, so when she says something that is untrue, it’s not that she’s trying to lie to you.
  • Anticipate your child’s needs – for instance, he may need food, water, rest, sleep, security, attention, etc, so if you can see it coming, then try to prepare what you can to avoid potential tantrums and crankiness.
  • Practise calming techniques – such as deep breathing, walking off your anger, and telling yourself “I can calm down”, etc
  • Communicate assertively – Use “I feel ____ when you _____”, e.g., “I feel frustrated when you don’t listen to me.” Then set clear boundaries for behaviour, such as “I want you to pick up your toys every evening before bedtime.”

I’ve found some of these coping strategies useful in helping me to stay calm in tense situations. And I certainly hope they work for you too.

What’s a common issue that you face with your child, at his/her current development stage? How do you manage your emotions when conflict arises? 

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Anger Management 101: Mums have meltdowns too but…

May 18, 2012 14 Comments

Have you ever had a meltdown?

After Vera popped into our lives, I found myself being angry more often than I should. Joyful, yes, but angry too. I lost it when there was incessant crying, night wakings, and basically when tiredness and stress overwhelmed me.

Things got better after I got the hang of motherhood, but then the toddler threw it out of whack when she decided to exert her independence and showcase her intolerance for anything other than what ‘I WANT’.

At times, I would lose control and spank her harder than I should, while yelling “why are you acting so naughty?!” or “why can’t you listen to mummy?!” I even spanked with my bare hands — something I’ve told myself not to do because we have decided to use a small wooden spatula for disciplining, and we wanted very much to reserve our hands for loving.

Well, we also told ourselves that we would not try to discipline her when we were angry, as it’s easy to get out of control when wild emotions are ravaging your body. So I guess we failed in the very things we told ourselves not to do.

Looking back, I probably went through some of my darkest moments then — the guilt was over-powering. I became aware of the fact that I came from a family where yelling was a usual occurrence, and I had started to reproduce that same pattern of behaviour in my own household.

Yet, by some grace larger than our own, the hubby and I committed to learning through our mistakes; we worked together and tried to find solutions to each ‘new’ issue. And we set new boundaries for ourselves and our daughter, after learning each time what went right and what went wrong.

We re-strategised our disciplinary plan through each developmental stage that she went through. (Vera kept throwing us new curve balls after we thought we had her ‘figured out’.) I guess through that, we also learnt about our own flaws, and how to work better as a couple. (You simply have to work together. There is no other way. Inconsistent messages will just make things more confusing for your child.)

Today, I found out that yelling (including blame, name-calling, or belittling) can be as emotionally damaging as physically hitting a child. This came through a workshop on anger management held by the NUH Women’s Emotional Health Service. I also re-learnt the reasons why we should try not to let anger get the better of us:

  • Children who are spanked become more aggressive themselves
  • The more corporal punishment is used, the greater the risk of escalation into child abuse
  • If you are constantly angry, you minimize the opportunities to bond with your child
  • Children of angry parents are less empathic, and have poorer overall adjustment later in life
  • Punishment may not be as effective in helping children internalize the value of good behaviour as compared to positive reinforcement and explaining
  • The long-term impact on your child could include low self-esteem, higher chance of depression, eating disorders in females, etc.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating no-spanking, period. But if spanking is a form of letting out your anger on your child, then I believe there can be a better way.

Here’s the good news: While we may be born with the potential to be aggressive, we CAN learn to channel our emotions into more constructive forms.

I came across this anger management article which provided some tips on how to control or manage anger. So the next time something pushes me to anger, I will give some of these a shot:

  • Do not react immediately (if you know that you are angry)
  • Step back, analyse the situation
  • Find out the cause for the action
  • Discuss and find solutions, rather than act on emotion
  • Develop a forgiving mindset (for yourself and for your loved ones)

Personally, I find that walking away from the ‘scene’ and just taking deep breaths as I walk does wonders.

Of course, humour works wonders too…

Anger management

Photo Credit

How do you cope with your emotions when they run wild?

Next week, I will be doing a post on the importance of self-care and some strategies to help cope with anger. So stay tuned. And if you haven’t already, do LIKE our Facebook page for more timely updates! :)

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The tantrum

March 29, 2012 11 Comments

The Daddy and daughter were playing star jumps…

Then her mood changed,
swift and without warning.
Her eyes turned red, and she shook her head.
“It’s not like that”
Star jumps are not like that, she said.

Her daddy turned away, and she was left standing
in the same spot where the
jumps had been.

Mummy gave her the options:
Go have your milk, or go lie down on your bed.
She wanted neither,
she looked just about to burst.
And when a voice was raised, she did.

Mummy led the crying girl to her room, saying,
“You can stay here until you are ready.”
There were some screams and a pail of tears.

Then daddy came and she asked to be carried
so she can feel safe and loved again.
But we said, stop crying first.
Calm down.
Her sobs turned to whimpers,
her tears hung suspended
mid-cheek.

Lost in their moment of folly.

~~~

After the episode, we hugged and made up, and Vera said: “Sorry, papa…sorry, mummy”, without being prompted, for the very first time.

I learnt a big lesson that day. That we don’t need to let anger take over when something goes awry. And it need not be a battle between the big people and the little people. Sometimes, our little people just need a bit of help processing their emotions — which can be humongous by the way.

And because we stayed relatively calm through the entire episode, she was able to regain her feelings of normal-ness quicker and with less drama.

But it’s not always easy. I lose my cool more often than I would like, and I have to keep reminding myself to be more patient. What’s more, Vera seems to be at a stage where she can turn moody pretty quickly, when things are not done in the way that she expects. It’s a real challenge trying to get her to see things a little differently, but I guess as with everything else, she will learn. We just gotta keep at it, and hopefully it’ll be sooner rather than later.

Funny how something as innocent as star jumps could trigger a tantrum so quickly. But thankfully, this one went away as suddenly as it came.

Here is a photo of our little Shrek in a fit, taken at about 12 months.

angry shrek

What do you do when your little one throws a tantrum?

Read also:

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Communication with toddlers 101

March 13, 2012 12 Comments

It recently hit me. The realisation that I sometimes act like a military mum at home.

Vera, pick up your toys!

Vera, brush your teeth!

Vera, go to sleep now!

Hup, two, three, four, hup!

I sometimes secretly wish I could get her to drop 10 for me. Ahh, the unspoken thrills of a military mum.

I know I sound a bit smug, to think that I can wield this sort of power over my child. But guess what… I think I actually stop communicating with her when I go into this mode. I can even see her eyes glazing over, or switching attention to something else (anything for that matter). She may after some minutes comply with the instruction, but mostly when she catches mummy’s signature I-mean-business look.

But what do I mean when I say I stop communicating?

A close friend of mine recently shared with me what she picked up from a communications course. She shared that most of us are used to communicating as a means to an end — what we call task-oriented communication — as part and parcel of the busy lives we have grown accustomed to.

In the process of seeing communication as a means to get things done, we forget that communication, at its most basic, is all about loving and building relationships.

Particularly so in the home, and with our kids. If we only communicate when we need them to do something, and neglect that part of communication that is love-originated, and love-focused, can you imagine how our relationship with our children will be like?

Don’t get me wrong, I know rules and regulations have their place, that our kids need to learn obedience and to take on greater amounts of responsibilities as they grow. But in the midst of that, perhaps it’s good to call time-out everyday — just to love and to communicate out of that love.

No strings attached.

Unconditional love. Unconditional communication. Essentially, communication that is centred on the other person — my child. And usually, no words are required. More like a hug. Or two. Or just sitting beside her, watching her draw or fix a puzzle. That’s all I really need to do. The challenge is to be fully present, and I mean hundred percent, not multi-tasking or trying to reply whatsapp messages at the same time.

It’s hard, I know. Every fibre of my being screams out “I need to do ____ now, I can’t just sit here and not do anything!”

But it can be done. If we intentionally set aside time and energy to be fully available. It could even start with a few simple minutes a day, at a time when you feel most relaxed and unencumbered by your to-do list.

I don’t know about you, but the next time I’m tempted to do the military mum thing, I will come back to this quote.

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Lessons from Brain Rules for Baby: How to raise a smart and happy baby from zero to five

January 23, 2012 6 Comments

In Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Baby from Zero to Five, John Medina reviews lots of research (brain as well as psychology) and uses these to back some practical ideas on how to raise smart and happy kids.

brain rules

First, what does he mean by ‘smart’? Actually, a whole lot more than we would think. He identifies 7 main ingredients that make up intelligence — starting with the basics of memory and improvisation, followed by the desire to explore, self-control, creativity, and verbal and non-verbal communication skills.

So what are the main ingredients required to nurture a happy, smart child?

Well, safety and security comes first, and related to this, a happy and loving home. Medina writes that the brain’s first priority is survival — which is why babies need to feel safe, and form secure attachments to their parents or care-givers.

What happens when this is missing? According to studies, babies in emotionally unstable homes have been found to be less able to positively respond to new stimuli, calm themselves, and recover from stress. In other words, learning is encumbered.

Stress is another key factor. Stress within the family (the kind that persists over a prolonged period) does not help to create the safe environment that children need in order to thrive. Stress placed on the child can also be toxic.

What really caught my interest is the topic of empathy. Medina advises parents to practise empathy in the home. (Better still, make it a way of life.) He cites research showing that where empathy is frequently used by couples, marriages thrive, and it has the same positive effect on kids. But what does empathy look like, and how do we develop an “empathy reflex”?

Em-pa-thy [noun] : The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Imagine this, your two-year-old is bugging you for a cookie when the cookie jar is empty. Employing empathy would mean that you first acknowledge his desire (or emotion), perhaps by saying something like this: “You want a cookie, don’t you? And you’re feeling grouchy because the cookie jar is empty. How I wish I could run to the supermarket right now and get you a nice big cookie.”

It may sound a little weird, but it is proven. Medina states that “Empathy reflexes and the coaching strategies that surround them are the only behaviors known consistently to defuse intense emotional situations over the short term — and reduce their frequency over the long term.”

And what about the sticky topic of discipline? When it comes to discipline, most of us know that we need to first establish a clear set of rules in the home. And then what? Well, Medina advises that these rules need to be reasonable, and enforced swiftly, consistently, and with warmth — which basically means that your child needs to feel emotionally safe, not threatened (remember, safety and security come first).

Most importantly, the rules have to be explained. When we explain why a particular rule exists, and the consequences of not abiding by it, compliance rates soar. (So don’t just leave it at “Because I said so”.)

He also came up with a handy acronym to help us remember his tips on discipline:

F – firm

I – immediate

R – reliable (or consistent)

S – safe

T – tolerant (or patient)

Honestly, the book is jam-packed with so much interesting stuff that it was a challenge to digest everything. So I was truly thankful when Medina helps to wrap everything up into one sentence:

“Be willing to enter into your child’s world on a regular basis and to empathize with what your child is feeling.”

Sounds simple…but probably a lot harder to do regularly. I’d like to end with a video of John Medina talking about one of the 12 brain rules: Exploration. (If you’re hard-pressed for time, please fast forward to 2:10 for a poignant moment.)

The greatest brain rule of all is something I cannot prove or characterise but I believe in with all my heart…It is the importance of curiosity. – John Medina

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