Category Archives: Book reviews

Lessons from Brain Rules for Baby: How to raise a smart and happy baby from zero to five

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In Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Baby from Zero to Five, John Medina reviews lots of research (brain as well as psychology) and uses these to back some practical ideas on how to raise smart and happy kids.

First, what does he mean by ‘smart’? Actually, a whole lot more than we would think. He identifies 7 main ingredients that make up intelligence — starting with the basics of memory and improvisation, followed by the desire to explore, self-control, creativity, and verbal and non-verbal communication skills.

So what are the main ingredients required to nurture a happy, smart child?

Well, safety and security comes first, and related to this, a happy and loving home. Medina writes that the brain’s first priority is survival — which is why babies need to feel safe, and form secure attachments to their parents or care-givers.

What happens when this is missing? According to studies, babies in emotionally unstable homes have been found to be less able to positively respond to new stimuli, calm themselves, and recover from stress. In other words, learning is encumbered.

Stress is another key factor. Stress within the family (the kind that persists over a prolonged period) does not help to create the safe environment that children need in order to thrive. Stress placed on the child can also be toxic.

What really caught my interest is the topic of empathy. Medina advises parents to practise empathy in the home. (Better still, make it a way of life.) He cites research showing that where empathy is frequently used by couples, marriages thrive, and it has the same positive effect on kids. But what does empathy look like, and how do we develop an “empathy reflex”?

Em-pa-thy [noun] : The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Imagine this, your two-year-old is bugging you for a cookie when the cookie jar is empty. Employing empathy would mean that you first acknowledge his desire (or emotion), perhaps by saying something like this: “You want a cookie, don’t you? And you’re feeling grouchy because the cookie jar is empty. How I wish I could run to the supermarket right now and get you a nice big cookie.”

It may sound a little weird, but it is proven. Medina states that “Empathy reflexes and the coaching strategies that surround them are the only behaviors known consistently to defuse intense emotional situations over the short term — and reduce their frequency over the long term.”

And what about the sticky topic of discipline? When it comes to discipline, most of us know that we need to first establish a clear set of rules in the home. And then what? Well, Medina advises that these rules need to be reasonable, and enforced swiftly, consistently, and with warmth — which basically means that your child needs to feel emotionally safe, not threatened (remember, safety and security come first).

Most importantly, the rules have to be explained. When we explain why a particular rule exists, and the consequences of not abiding by it, compliance rates soar. (So don’t just leave it at “Because I said so”.)

He also came up with a handy acronym to help us remember his tips on discipline:

F - firm

I - immediate

R - reliable (or consistent)

S - safe

T - tolerant (or patient)

Honestly, the book is jam-packed with so much interesting stuff that it was a challenge to digest everything. So I was truly thankful when Medina helps to wrap everything up into one sentence:

“Be willing to enter into your child’s world on a regular basis and to empathize with what your child is feeling.”

Sounds simple…but probably a lot harder to do regularly. I’d like to end with a video of John Medina talking about one of the 12 brain rules: Exploration. (If you’re hard-pressed for time, please fast forward to 2:10 for a poignant moment.)

The greatest brain rule of all is something I cannot prove or characterise but I believe in with all my heart…It is the importance of curiosity. - John Medina

Learning to tame the strong-willed child

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My toddler has graduated from saying ‘NO!’ to more sophisticated forms of expression, mainly: ‘I want THIS!’ or ‘I don’t want this!’. (Note: ‘This’ can be replaced by the name of the object of affection/rejection, if known to her.)

I’m not sure if I’m particularly excited about this development. It sure makes for highly unpredictable days - we could go from ‘very good day’ to ‘very bad day’ in a matter of minutes. Although in all honesty, I think if we as parents were better prepared in handling the want-this-don’t-want-that-toddler, the swing would not be as great.

Some days, broccoli would be her worst enemy, other days, it would be carrot, or pumpkin, or some pea hidden in her rice somewhere. Some days, she would adore (and go nuts if she can’t find) her pink blanket, other days, she would crave her yellow one (oh, not the one with the baby motif). She used to love cold milk, now she turns whiny if it’s not served hot.

As one can tell, this dynamic toddler makes feeding and other everyday life matters as nerve-wrecking as navigating a minefield. It’s a battle of wits, and the parents are calling out for more strategic ammunition.

We’ve tried caning, which usually serves as a deterrent once the object is mentioned or sighted. But just yesterday, the two-and-a-quarter year old demanded for a tissue (to play with, not to use), and I said if you want to waste the tissue, you have to get one whack of the cane. She put my words to the test, and received one whack on the palm. After a few seconds, she asked for another whack. I granted her her wish, this time making sure the pain was felt. She kept silent.

This rather strange, one-off episode tells me she’s gearing up for a stronger challenge, as if she’s declaring: ‘I’m not afraid.’

She’s open to reasoning if she’s in an agreeable mood. It also helps if the bait or the promise is attractive, such as being able to do some painting, or have a tasty treat.

All in all, we’ve been trying to make her fussiness and tantrums as much as a non-event as possible, unless she really is in the mood for trouble. I remember some good advice I read awhile ago: Pick your battles.

I’ve started to read Dr. James Dobson’s The New Strong-willed Child afresh, hoping to gain some new insights and tips. Below is a snapshot (literally) of what I’ve learnt so far. (I’ve also just ordered his book The New Dare to Discipline by the way.)

Effective discipline requires a balance of love and control (or love with boundaries)

Dobson advocates the establishing of parental authority from an early age, and drawing consistent boundaries of right/wrong, with appropriate levels of punishment meted out for each undesirable behaviour, the worst of which are outright acts of defiance.

I think it’s time to try out some of his suggested strategies and tactics for this age group, such as time-out. (Have tried a variation of this a couple of times, esp. at mealtimes when she fusses over her food and refuses to eat. I would just pick her up silently and set her on the sofa, and ignore her for awhile. Usually she would come round to asking for food by herself.)

Lest I’ve made my toddler out to be some kind of monster, I must add that on good days, she’s usually a cheerful, playful, fun-loving sweetheart. We love her to the max.

But because we do, we can’t let her wreak havoc with her wilful ways. As the good book says:”...the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” (Proverbs 13)

Sleepless Nights A Thing Of The Past? – Tips from The No-cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley

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Baby sleep problems probably top the list of worries for most parents. Why can’t my baby sleep through the night? Why does she use me as a constant pacifier?

Questions like these and more plague the tired and anxious minds of most parents, particularly the mothers.

I shudder when I recall those nights of unchained sleep when Vera was between 8-18 months. She has been established on a firm routine since about 2-3 months, so where was the problem coming from? Well, just to mention a few:

  • Breast-feeding to sleep
  • Rocking to sleep

These associations have probably led to Vera’s over-reliance on others when falling asleep, instead of learning to fall asleep on her own. So much so that when she awoke during the night, she would cry to be picked up / breastfed.

Thankfully her sleep got progressively better with age, and now she can get through an entire night of between 10-11 hours of sleep (at age 2.0), with an occasional waking on bad days.

In view of the arrival of our second child, I’ve been pouring over Elizabeth Pantley’s well-known book ‘The No-Cry Sleep Solution’ hoping to find some new solutions. Here’s a snapshot of the underlying principles behind her views:

  • She walks the middle ground between the ‘Cry-it-out’ method and the ‘grin-and-bear-it’ approach. With her ‘gentle, no-cry approaches’, she encourages her readers to pick and adapt the techniques that best suit their needs, and their child’s.
  • ‘Get realistic’ – sometimes we have unreal expectations about our baby’s sleep, and just need to realize that night wakings are natural and even necessary (for feeding) for young babies. The problem lies not with the child, but with the way we as parents view sleep. Point to note: “A baby is considered to be sleeping through the night when she sleeps five consecutive hours…”

What I found particularly helpful was her gentle ways of breaking established sleep associations (which was the case for Vera). For a baby who has gotten used to sucking to sleep, or to prevent such an association from forming, she suggests:

  • letting the baby suckle until she is almost asleep, but not fully, and remove the pacifier, breast, or bottle from her mouth. If the baby cries, it is fine to return it to his mouth, but repeat the process of removal after a while (it may take a few times for a persistent baby).
  • put the baby in bed when he is sleepy, rather than sleeping. If he fusses, it is fine to pick him up, but keep trying to let him learn to fall asleep on his own.

Some other tips that I’ve picked up from her book:

  • Establish a pre-bed routine, for e.g. a calming bath, massage, milk, bedtime story, then sleep
  • Set early bedtime – young babies are naturally primed to sleep at 6-7pm
  • Naps during the day and nighttime sleep are closely intertwined – if baby does not nap well, naps too late in the day or naps too long, it affects nighttime sleep, which can create a vicious cycle
  • Watch out for tired signals – put baby to bed as quickly as you can, once you notice signs such as rubbing eyes, yawning, zoning out, etc
  • Establish cot as a pleasant place for the baby – spend interludes throughout the day interacting with the child when she is in the cot, so the baby feels safe and loved even in the cot
  • Use key words, sleep music or sounds to soothe baby to sleep when she awakes and cries. These words or music become familiar to the child and may help to calm her down over time.
  • Keep a sleep log to track baby’s progress over time. So we can be encouraged when we see results, and can continue with the methods that we have adopted or decide if they need to be tweaked or thrown out altogether.

Note of encouragement: Don’t give up when you seem to be making 1 step forward, 2 steps back. It is often like this with babies and young children. Sometimes the results just need time to materialize. Just stick to what you believe in and what works best for you and your child.

Other sleep resources:

  • The contented little baby book – Gina Ford (I found her recommended routines really helpful as a guide for feed and nap timings.)