I had a good talk with the kids this week about fighting and sharing. (For the record, I am still getting used to my role as mediator in family fights.)
When it comes to sibling fights, first there is usually the question of ownership. Then there is the question of who got the toy first. Then, as Vera puts it, “but he always get his way. I never get mine” — the issue of fairness.
I looked at Vera when she spoke those words, and it was a picture of a disgruntled little girl who’s been trying to be “good” and “the big sister,” but who inadvertently felt trampled upon at the end of the day. Her need to feel loved and heard had not been met. So it’s no wonder that she couldn’t feel the joy of relinquishing her rights in order to create peace in the home.
If we dig deeper, beyond the “who owns it”, beyond the “who came first”, the heart of the matter is actually the intangible stuff, stuff such as love, selflessness and patience.
These virtues are at stake here.
Why don’t I want to share MY toy? Because I want it and I want it now. I come first. Me. Me. Me.
Why can’t I wait to take my turn? Because I want my way. NOW.
I realise it’s a lot harder to focus on the intangible things, and so easy to play judge and decide who’s right because “he’s younger, he doesn’t know” or “you’re the big sister so you should give in.” But as in all family squabbles, it’s important not to take sides. The truth is it takes two hands to clap, and two selfish hearts to fight.
I also realise that little brother needs to learn that not everything bends his way just because he’s small (and loud). And he needs to learn how to wait.
Patience - the art of waiting and coping with your emotions so that you don’t blow up.
Selflessness - the art of moving over so that you give some room in your heart for others.
Things that even us adults struggle with, so what more young children?
We held a family discussion and drew some boundaries on how to share, and how to wait for your turn.
This is helpful as it sets out some boundaries for the kids to follow, some tips on what is helpful to say, and what’s not. For instance, ignoring the person’a request for the toy isn’t helpful. Saying “go away” or “I came first” isn’t helpful. “Can you give me 5 minutes? I would like to finish this song.” works better.
Of course, this will need some repeating, and heaps and heaps of practice in the months and years to come.
But perhaps more importantly (as a good friend reminded me one morning) is help them see the why.
Why should we bother with sharing? Why is it important not to fight? Why work hard at keeping the peace?
Sharing means less tears.
Sharing means more joy all around.
Sharing means we love more, hurt less.
Sharing means a peaceful home.
It also means that we are becoming the boy / girl that God wants us to be. And this is probably the most important reason of all.
Once they are able to see that we’re on their side, and that we’re working towards the same goal, it will help to motivate them to keep trying.
How do you manage sibling rivalry at home? Any tips to share?
I have a lot of trouble with this as well-Z is louder and more innovative in finding ways to get what he wants-Layla is five years older and we often treat her like a grownup now and expect her to behave like us, to choose battles or hold back so that there isn’t a scene in an inappropriate setting.
What works for us is that Layla’s room is usually out of bounds to Z, so if she brings something out of her room, the assumption is that she’s willing to share or even let Z hang on to the toy for a bit. I’ve also imposed certain “no fighting allowed” zones, where the expectation is for Layla to help with keeping the peace, e.g. by holding back and not rushing to press the lift button when it’s time for us to leave my parents’ home, so that we can all say goodbye happily and respectfully. If we’re at a playdate, I’ll let Layla know that I can sort out the disagreement, but Z will probably explode and make a scene and we’ll have to head home. Alternatively, she can step away from Z and find some other way to have fun, and the playdate can continue.
I think Laura Markham (Ahaparenting) has some good tips on sibling rivalry but I’ve not internalised them yet!
Thank Evelyn for sharing. We’ve been making plans to shift Vera into her own room by end of the year - it became apparent that she really needed her own space plus there are some changes with care-giving arrangements this year. So I will remember to emphasise to the boys that her things in her room are out of bounds! Will also check out Laura Markham’s articles! ;)
Yes, I absolutely agree that it takes two selfish hearts to fight. So, like you, I tend to reprimand both the kids and not take a side, as both sides are not willing to share or give in. I will also remove the object that they are fighting over and tell them that no one is allowed to have it for now. Now they know that if they fight over possession of a toy, neither of them will be allowed to play with it so they either take turns or share. But it took a long while to get there (and we still come across the occasional bump in the road!).
Debs G @ Owls Well recently posted..EpicQuestINK – a creative writing workshop by Monsters Under The Bed
Agree with Debs. I’ll take away the object that caused the stir up. Will try to advocate on taking turns as much as I can. But, most times, I’ll try to convince myself that sibling rivalry is part of growing up. I’ll just keep praying they’ll outgrow this quickly. I think I grew up this way with my siblings too. Part of memory keepsakes. Ha.
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I’m praying that they’ll outgrow this too Karen!
Hey Debs, thanks for sharing! I’ve tried the removal of toy / object too. There were days I got so frustrated I dumped some of these straight into the bin (but usually it’s the small, cheapo toys that tend to get such bad treatment)…These days it does seem to be a bit more complicated, and involves larger items like who gets to use the keyboard, who gets to sit in the tub, etc. I guess that’s when we started to teach them to take turns.
These days I try to tell them to try to resolve conflict themselves first, and only if the other party responds badly (e.g. A told B to “stop it” after being hit and to say sorry first, but B doesn’t) then case gets escalated to me. It’s annoying to have to mediate, but I guess they do see us as being their defender, and a fair judge? or a person to mete out just desserts? haha.
My relative once told me how much she hated having to be the bigger more mature sibling to give way most of the time. So I was quite conscious not to apply that phrase…
lyn lee recently posted..Hanare Japanese restaurant
Yes, it’s really unfair to ask of that just because the older one is well…older. I think it’s wise to let them try to resolve it first Lyn. I have tried it sometimes, mostly just because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to mediate / guide, and they did survive through those moments!