It’s been 3 years 4 months since my status was changed to ‘mother’.
Since that day, there’s been a whole lot of changes around that simple status update — many of them I’m still trying to feel my way around.
Most of all, I’ve changed. I’d like to think that I’ve risen to the occasion. But really, I think it’s more like I’ve ‘expanded’ to the occasion.
Yes, there’s now a lot more of me. My hubby seems to be taking it pretty well, but on some days I do find myself wishing to return to my original size. On some days. To be specific, it’s mainly on those days when I’m in a fitting room, trying to squeeze into some pretty little dress. (Every piece of clothing seems awfully small these days, darn it.)
I’ve also found that there’s a lot more to me than meets the eye. Not that I’m hiding anything, it’s just that my own behaviour surprises me sometimes.
Like that eventful day some years ago when I was trying to catch a cab after a dinner with some friends. I was rushing home to breastfeed Vera, then about 6 months old.
Out of nowhere, a couple swooped in front of us and tried to hail a cab. They were some 50m in front of me, but the minute I saw what they were “up to”, I switched into fourth gear, blew my battle horn, sprinted towards them, and then past them, and caught my cabbie.
(That day the phrase ‘catch a cab’ took on a whole new meaning.)
I think my hubby thought that I was gonna clobber their heads with my handbag.
Moral of the story? Never get in the way of a breastfeeding mum who’s about to have a letdown (meltdown?), I tell ya.
No, seriously, I don’t know what came over me. I’m usually quite chill and a lot more gracious than that. I swear. Ask Vera if you don’t believe me.
So in a nutshell…I’m not quite sure I like the new me.
I mean, the temper, the moods, the meltdowns, the constant tension within me. These days, I’m not sure who’s worse…the toddler (who’s been pretty well-behaved these days actually) or me.
It doesn’t help that the baby gets all cranky and teary some nights as well. Which makes me cranky and teary.
I think the kids still love me though. At least, Vera tells me so. And baby Javier is still happy to see me at the end of the day.
I wish for the old me sometimes. The chill, zen-like, peace-loving old me.
Somehow, I’m reminded of our marriage vows — you know where we commit to loving each other through thick and thin, regardless of circumstances?
It makes me think that maybe we should institute a mother’s vow. It could go something like this:
I vow to be a better mum tomorrow,
than I was today.
I may never be perfect, but I will do my best,
to love my husband and children
and entire family.
For better or for worse,
For richer or for poorer,
In sickness and in health
I will love my family
and give myself to them.
Till death do us part.
Amen.
What changes have you noticed in yourself since becoming a parent? Do you like the new you?
Wow, this post makes me think a bit and I like that. Besides being an upsized version of me (yes, I may look like the old Alicia and even sound like the old Alicia but but but I have changed too). I have changed in good ways and in bad. I have learnt to be less judgmental - before I was a mum I would think / have thoughts about how this mum is losing it by shouting at the kid in public. Since I have become one (and a highly strung one at that) I have since smiled sympathetically at these mums. I have also changed in my attitude towards colleagues subconsciously where I am now more nurturing and do it just dish out solutions.
And for the worse, I have become more highly strung. I hate disruptions to the little one’s routines and I snap a bit more at times when I have very little sleep. Am more paranoid about food, medicine, hygiene too. Lol
Hi Alicia, yes I can relate to the less judgmental attitude too. And I also dislike disruptions to routine, I read your latest post on being a Nazi mum and I was like yeah, that’s me too.
But at the same time, with the arrival of Javier, I’ve also had to let go of many things, and have skimmed down the list of must-haves or must-dos to the bare minimal, most crucial things. I’ve recognised that I just have to make the best out of what we have, and let God handle the rest. Thanks for sharing your heart here…
Actually you’re right. It’s easier to blame the massive post-hormonal changes that lead to (semi)-permanent behavioural changes!
And because I’m now a mum (so I need to engage in positive speak), I find myself not-as-zen-as-I-used-to-be. (ok this positive speak isn’t working. I dunno what i’m saying anymore). I too find myself more edgy and tad bit more frazzled.
I do sometimes make silent promises to the kid (and whoever else) to be more patient. In fact, the hubby and I spoke just this week that we will make patience the goal for the family. (so I guess everyone else gotta wait patiently before I blog about it :p)
back to mugging
So you used to be zen too! (Or maybe the majority of us mums were…hmm)
Patience is a great thing to have, esp for parents! With that, I will wait patiently for your blog post on patience.
OEI, what you mean “so you used to be zen too”?? you can’t tell? I’m still zen…. :p
I doubt that would happen… but it is one good way to train your patience!
I’ve changed quite a bit as well after becoming a mom. I would say I’ve “expanded” too - in mindset that is. I’m more open to different views and ways of doing things, because when it comes to parenting, I learnt that there’s no one right method and you just got to keep trying different approaches to various challenges along the way.
I also get more more easily frustrated, mostly because I’m always in a sleep deprived mode. But I guess many of us are Btw, I like your ‘mother’s vow’
Thanks Ruth, I’m nodding my head to what you shared about ‘no one right method’ and it’s about using different approaches for different challenges and different people. I think I’m more tolerant and open to different views too, although obviously I struggle with being patience! I think much of it has got to do with the time factor - we have so many things to accomplish in so little time…
Let’s be better mums tomorrow.
Totally. I secretly tell myself that being a mother brings out the best AND WORST in me. I never knew a monster existed in me till I became a mom (never mind that he is a mild mannered, non-tantrum boy). Don’t like it either. Nah. Nah-uh.
Funny that you should blog about it because the hubby has been complaining that I’m getting so irritable and easily frustrated these days. I find that I’m losing myself as a mom sometimes, because there just seems to be never enough time, especially time for myself… Make that quality time. And now that I’m a blogging mom, it doesn’t help that I have lesser time for sleep which just makes matters worse. And as I was reading a book on child discipline today, the author was asking if there was behaviors that I have to change as a parent and I was thinking, hell ya! So you’re not alone and I’m also taking on your vow to be a better mom. Jia you, we can do it!