Category Archives: Writings & ramblings

The power of a father

February 23, 2012 By in Family, Writings & ramblings Tags: , , 7 Comments

If you’ve been following my blog for a bit, you would have read a couple of posts involving Vera and her dear daddy. (Papa is so good, for example.)

You probably already know Daddy has a very special place in her heart. Almost like there’s a hole in there in his unique shape, that no one, NO ONE, but Daddy can fill.

I’m not one bit jealous. On the contrary, I can’t even begin to explain the joy that fills my heart when I see them together, and so in love.

I know that with her dad’s love, she will grow up secure and strong. I know that with her dad holding her hand when she’s venturing into a new area where she’s never been before, she will slowly gain in courage and confidence. I know that when her dad teaches and corrects her, she will learn to respect authority and understand that certain boundaries are drawn for her own sake.

I know. Perhaps because I sort of never had that kind of daddy.

I tend to sigh when I think back about my own childhood memories involving my father. I mean, he wasn’t all that bad. He was a quiet, traditional, and rather serious man. He never caned me; for some reason his wrath would be mostly re-directed to my brother. Still, I’ve never quite known how to approach this man, and I suspect he never quite knew how to approach this young woman too. Even now, when he comes over to visit the kids, the words we exchange would be few.

Yet despite all our communication gaps, I am thankful that he is still a good father. He has provided for us as a family, and I choose not to judge him for what he did or did not do. I understand that it’s hard for some traditional fathers to express their love in ways that we daughters would appreciate. But he is still my father, the man who made my life — and much of its joys and blessings possible.

So, I wish to acknowledge all fathers today.

You have a remarkable role to play in your children’s lives. Whether you choose to be active or passive, to play and cheer, or to watch from afar, you are leaving a deep imprint that can never be removed.

In Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know, Dr Meg Meeker shares a simple truth:

“Dads, you are far more powerful than you think you are.”

Especially to your daughter. She will look to you for all things — love, security, approval, affirmation, protection. She will always yearn for your attention and affection. You are the first man in her life. She will see her worth through your eyes.

Dr Meeker minces no words (nor statistic) in her writing. In her more than 20 years’ experience as a psychologist, she has seen many girls depressed, engaging in sexual activity at a young age, with eating disorders, etc, and the common thread among these girls? The lack of an involved father.

While she speaks mainly from an American perspective, I don’t think what she’s describing is a localized phenomenon.

Citing research from the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, Dr Meeker writes:

“Daughters who perceive that their fathers care a lot about them, who feel connected to their fathers, have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance use, and unhealthy weight.”

~~~

How can you express your love and care to your daughter? The secrets that she shares in her book might be a good starting point:

1. You are the most important man in her life
2. She needs a hero
3. You are her first love
4. Teach her humility - so that she is grounded, and is able to develop strong relationships.
5. Protect her, defend her (and use a shotgun if necessary) - ‘nuff said.
6. Pragmatism and grit: your two greatest assets - teach her to deal with difficult situations.
7. Be the man you want her to marry
8. Teach her who God is
9. Teach her to fight - take a clear stance on morals.
10. Keep her connected

~~~

But what about if for some reason, your child can’t have her father actively involved in her life? I think it can still make a difference if there is a close male figure who can be committed to being involved in your her life, so take heart and take action.

What has made the difference in my life and the way I view my dad? My relationship with my Father in heaven…and I believe He can do the same for you too.

If this post has touched you in some way, please do share it with your family and loved ones.

Love yourself

February 16, 2012 By in Family, Writings & ramblings Tags: , 6 Comments

One fine evening…

Vera: Mummy, if I get knock by a car and fall down, you will come and help me right?

Me: [a little taken aback as a mental picture starts to form.] Of course I will help you…Because I love you.

Vera: You will help me because you love me, right?

Me: Yes, I love you…just like you love me and daddy, right?

Vera: Vera love everybody! Vera love nai-nai, ah-ma-nai-nai, ah-gong, ah-ma, and godma and godpa also. I also love myself. You love yourself right?

Me: Yes, we must love ourselves because God loves us, and He made each of us special.

Vera: We haven’t pray, mummy.

Me: Oops…yes, let’s pray and thank God for making us special, and for loving us.

~~~

And so we did.

As I lay beside my precious child, I began to think of the ways where I haven’t fully been loving myself. Those times when I think that I’m not good enough, those times when I envy others, those times when I don’t dare to try, those times when I respond in fear rather than by faith.

But if God loves me in spite of all my flaws and failures, how can I not love myself? If I can’t really love myself, how can I teach my children to love themselves and others?

So…how exactly can we love ourselves? Here are just a few simple ways:

  • Don’t allow others to belittle you or put you in a box. (Yes, that includes you.)
  • Take care of your mind, body, health and fitness.
  • Take responsibility for your own life and don’t depend on others for approval or decision-making.
  • Choose to be thankful, for even the little things in life.
  • Develop meaningful friendships — ones that build up, not tear down.
  • Cultivate a healthy view of yourself. Have confidence in your strengths and abilities, while being aware of your weaknesses and working on them at the same time.
  • Stay humble and keep learning. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes, and don’t be afraid of trying.
  • Make room to dream. Set goals, and take small steps towards achieving them.
  • Maintain close links with family and loved ones.
  • Treat yourself to something nice from time to time. (Particularly important if you are a mum.)

~~~

I’m beginning to appreciate such thought-provoking conversations like these with Vera. They never fail to remind me of what’s truly important in life.

Do you love yourself?

A mother is…

February 3, 2012 By in Parenting, Writings & ramblings Tags: , 3 Comments

~ An obstacle course to a baby who’s just discovered the use for legs.

~ Someone who plans more play dates than date nights.

~ Someone who tries to be slow to anger, and quick to listen. (But it often ends up the other way around.)

~ One whose arms are a rocking bed, lap is a lounge chair, and bosom is a contour pillow.

~ A discipline master and control freak. Period.

~ Someone who hones her creativity, problem solving skills, and entertaining abilities on a daily basis. (How else do you keep a toddler and a baby happy?)

~ A worrywart.

~ Also a daughter, friend, wife, sister, and contributor to the economy (regardless of whether you are SAHM, WAHM, or FTWM).

~ Always multi-tasking.

~ Someone who’s almost always feeling guilty.

~ Always on call.

~ A work-in-progress.

~ Always giving.

~ A WOW-man.

~ A privileged profession with a job description that includes cleaning poo, wiping bottoms, and mediating wars, where you’re paid in pure love.

~ An organized mess.

~ The most important job on this planet.

~ THE boss.

…

Among other things, that is.

Confessions of the kum kind

January 31, 2012 By in Family, Writings & ramblings Tags: , , 16 Comments

I have to confess, I’m the scrooge of CNY (Chinese new year). And it’s not because I need to part with good money as I obediently follow the chinese tradition of giving hongbaos (red packets) to younger ones. (Anyway now that we’ve got Javier, we technically get more hongbaos back compared with last year. But that’s besides the point.)

So I’m a CNY grump. I get sulky at the thought of having to buy new clothes to wear, just because I MUST. (It’s supposedly auspicious.) So…I don’t. I refuse to succumb to the fact that I need to accumulate lots of baked goods, look better than usual, get my nails done, doll up the kids, just because tradition says I have to. And recently, I asked myself that thousand-dollar question (yes, that’s about the total amount we spend every CNY in hongbaos)…Why do I feel this way?

Why do I grumble when this festive once-a-year season draws near? Why do I get angsty that I have to put on my best clothes? When there’s so much cookies, cakes and bak kwa (the chinese version of jerky) to gobble up and devour? When all manner of family suddenly swings by in flocks?

It doesn’t make sense, does it? Unless of course one considers the amount of spring-cleaning required around the house.

Perhaps I’ve forgotten the reason behind the tradition of exchanging hongbaos and kum (mandarin oranges) - the endless cycle of giving and receiving.

Perhaps I’ve allowed my new year greetings to become a little empty and insincere. Like I’m just saying it because it’s the right thing to say. And in the hustle and bustle of giving out hongbaos (did I leave anyone out?), I haven’t bothered to stop to think about the person I’m greeting, and ask ‘How are you doing?’

Perhaps I miss being that little girl who used to receive hongbaos with glee, who used to love shopping for new clothes with mum, dad and big brother, and who used to run around like a wild chicken playing hide-and-seek with her cousins.

Along the way of growing up and becoming a parent, I’ve stopped loving this season, and I think it’s because I’ve chosen to dwell on the negatives. I’ve chosen to see everything as a chore, as mindless tradition.

So when Jus of Mum in the Making said she was starting a new weekly link-up called ‘Grateful Gatherings’, I decided to switch gears a little. There’s something about the word ‘grateful’ — it makes you stop in your tracks of negative thought and count your blessings, all the good stuff, and even the notsogood stuff that you’ve managed to pull through and survive.

I’m gonna look at CNY again. This time, with a grateful heart. Here are the things I’m thankful for…

~~~

1. My little girl gets to dress up like a princess. (Oops, don’t look at the shoes. This mummy forgot to buy new ones.)

2. We get to take funny family pics while the parents are busy whipping up a wholesome meal in the kitchen.

3. Vera gets to juice mandarin oranges with her mouth and fingers.

4. Javier gets to play with red packets, for the very first time! Oh yes, and kum.

5. Vera gets to eat all sorts of buttery, chocolatey yummies, AND make new friends while eating buttery, chocolatey yummies.

6. Vera gets to visit ah-ma-nai-nai (god-grandma) and jump on her bed for a change.

7. The reunion with family, good friends, good food, and learning to live in harmony once again. Isn’t this the main reason we celebrate? To leave old grudges and bad feelings behind, and start anew, afresh, and with a newfound appreciation for life and family.

~~~

YES, I think I’m grateful for CNY this year. And who knows maybe next year, I’ll dump the grump in me, and actually like this festive season. (Erm, I’ll keep you posted on that one.) ;)

What are you grateful for this season? Join us by linking up to Grateful Gatherings…

Papa is so good, he’s so good to me

January 20, 2012 By in Toddler, Writings & ramblings Tags: , , 9 Comments

Vera recently started sunday school at church and one of the first songs she learnt was ‘God is so good’.

Just the other night, we were singing the song together before going to bed, when suddenly she broke into a different version of the song:

Papa is so good.

Papa is so good.

Papa is so good,

he’s so good to me.

I marveled in my heart, not because this is something new (I am rather used to her mangling, twisting, and playing around with the words of her favorite songs), but at how it happened. We were walking to the door of our house as she wanted to “check if papa has come home”. And as she was singing her personalised song, guess who arrived just in time to hear her singing it?

…

Papa!

It was daddy’s golden trophy moment. He greeted her with a beaming grin on his face, and she jumped into his arms, like a joey back into her mummy’s pouch.

Back in the bedroom, as I waited for this funny little girl to finally give in to sleep, I realised how divinely-inspired her choice of words were, in light of the original song. After all, our earthly daddies are meant to reflect the love and goodness of our heavenly Father. And when papa is ‘good’, it can really help a child to understand and come to know of God’s goodness as well. Right? ;)

And here’s the original song:

God is so good.

God is so good.

God is so good,

he’s so good to me.

Lord, as I look upon my little ones, I really do come to see you in a different light. And to appreciate your goodness in a different way. And to see the love of your Father’s heart for me, and my children.