Monthly Archives: January 2012

Confessions of the kum kind

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I have to confess, I’m the scrooge of CNY (Chinese new year). And it’s not because I need to part with good money as I obediently follow the chinese tradition of giving hongbaos (red packets) to younger ones. (Anyway now that we’ve got Javier, we technically get more hongbaos back compared with last year. But that’s besides the point.)

So I’m a CNY grump. I get sulky at the thought of having to buy new clothes to wear, just because I MUST. (It’s supposedly auspicious.) So…I don’t. I refuse to succumb to the fact that I need to accumulate lots of baked goods, look better than usual, get my nails done, doll up the kids, just because tradition says I have to. And recently, I asked myself that thousand-dollar question (yes, that’s about the total amount we spend every CNY in hongbaos)…Why do I feel this way?

Why do I grumble when this festive once-a-year season draws near? Why do I get angsty that I have to put on my best clothes? When there’s so much cookies, cakes and bak kwa (the chinese version of jerky) to gobble up and devour? When all manner of family suddenly swings by in flocks?

It doesn’t make sense, does it? Unless of course one considers the amount of spring-cleaning required around the house.

Perhaps I’ve forgotten the reason behind the tradition of exchanging hongbaos and kum (mandarin oranges) - the endless cycle of giving and receiving.

Perhaps I’ve allowed my new year greetings to become a little empty and insincere. Like I’m just saying it because it’s the right thing to say. And in the hustle and bustle of giving out hongbaos (did I leave anyone out?), I haven’t bothered to stop to think about the person I’m greeting, and ask ‘How are you doing?’

Perhaps I miss being that little girl who used to receive hongbaos with glee, who used to love shopping for new clothes with mum, dad and big brother, and who used to run around like a wild chicken playing hide-and-seek with her cousins.

Along the way of growing up and becoming a parent, I’ve stopped loving this season, and I think it’s because I’ve chosen to dwell on the negatives. I’ve chosen to see everything as a chore, as mindless tradition.

So when Jus of Mum in the Making said she was starting a new weekly link-up called ‘Grateful Gatherings’, I decided to switch gears a little. There’s something about the word ‘grateful’ — it makes you stop in your tracks of negative thought and count your blessings, all the good stuff, and even the notsogood stuff that you’ve managed to pull through and survive.

I’m gonna look at CNY again. This time, with a grateful heart. Here are the things I’m thankful for…

~~~

1. My little girl gets to dress up like a princess. (Oops, don’t look at the shoes. This mummy forgot to buy new ones.)

2. We get to take funny family pics while the parents are busy whipping up a wholesome meal in the kitchen.

3. Vera gets to juice mandarin oranges with her mouth and fingers.

4. Javier gets to play with red packets, for the very first time! Oh yes, and kum.

5. Vera gets to eat all sorts of buttery, chocolatey yummies, AND make new friends while eating buttery, chocolatey yummies.

6. Vera gets to visit ah-ma-nai-nai (god-grandma) and jump on her bed for a change.

7. The reunion with family, good friends, good food, and learning to live in harmony once again. Isn’t this the main reason we celebrate? To leave old grudges and bad feelings behind, and start anew, afresh, and with a newfound appreciation for life and family.

~~~

YES, I think I’m grateful for CNY this year. And who knows maybe next year, I’ll dump the grump in me, and actually like this festive season. (Erm, I’ll keep you posted on that one.) ;)

What are you grateful for this season? Join us by linking up to Grateful Gatherings…

Lessons from Brain Rules for Baby: How to raise a smart and happy baby from zero to five

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In Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Baby from Zero to Five, John Medina reviews lots of research (brain as well as psychology) and uses these to back some practical ideas on how to raise smart and happy kids.

First, what does he mean by ‘smart’? Actually, a whole lot more than we would think. He identifies 7 main ingredients that make up intelligence — starting with the basics of memory and improvisation, followed by the desire to explore, self-control, creativity, and verbal and non-verbal communication skills.

So what are the main ingredients required to nurture a happy, smart child?

Well, safety and security comes first, and related to this, a happy and loving home. Medina writes that the brain’s first priority is survival — which is why babies need to feel safe, and form secure attachments to their parents or care-givers.

What happens when this is missing? According to studies, babies in emotionally unstable homes have been found to be less able to positively respond to new stimuli, calm themselves, and recover from stress. In other words, learning is encumbered.

Stress is another key factor. Stress within the family (the kind that persists over a prolonged period) does not help to create the safe environment that children need in order to thrive. Stress placed on the child can also be toxic.

What really caught my interest is the topic of empathy. Medina advises parents to practise empathy in the home. (Better still, make it a way of life.) He cites research showing that where empathy is frequently used by couples, marriages thrive, and it has the same positive effect on kids. But what does empathy look like, and how do we develop an “empathy reflex”?

Em-pa-thy [noun] : The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Imagine this, your two-year-old is bugging you for a cookie when the cookie jar is empty. Employing empathy would mean that you first acknowledge his desire (or emotion), perhaps by saying something like this: “You want a cookie, don’t you? And you’re feeling grouchy because the cookie jar is empty. How I wish I could run to the supermarket right now and get you a nice big cookie.”

It may sound a little weird, but it is proven. Medina states that “Empathy reflexes and the coaching strategies that surround them are the only behaviors known consistently to defuse intense emotional situations over the short term — and reduce their frequency over the long term.”

And what about the sticky topic of discipline? When it comes to discipline, most of us know that we need to first establish a clear set of rules in the home. And then what? Well, Medina advises that these rules need to be reasonable, and enforced swiftly, consistently, and with warmth — which basically means that your child needs to feel emotionally safe, not threatened (remember, safety and security come first).

Most importantly, the rules have to be explained. When we explain why a particular rule exists, and the consequences of not abiding by it, compliance rates soar. (So don’t just leave it at “Because I said so”.)

He also came up with a handy acronym to help us remember his tips on discipline:

F - firm

I - immediate

R - reliable (or consistent)

S - safe

T - tolerant (or patient)

Honestly, the book is jam-packed with so much interesting stuff that it was a challenge to digest everything. So I was truly thankful when Medina helps to wrap everything up into one sentence:

“Be willing to enter into your child’s world on a regular basis and to empathize with what your child is feeling.”

Sounds simple…but probably a lot harder to do regularly. I’d like to end with a video of John Medina talking about one of the 12 brain rules: Exploration. (If you’re hard-pressed for time, please fast forward to 2:10 for a poignant moment.)

The greatest brain rule of all is something I cannot prove or characterise but I believe in with all my heart…It is the importance of curiosity. - John Medina