The best mother’s day gifts I could ever receive

May 8, 2013 6 Comments

This mother’s day, I am not expecting any presents. (Mainly because the hubby is away. Also because we managed to enjoy a movie and a nice brunch before he left.)

But I’d like to give myself some very important gifts.

Some of you may have read about my recent HFMD episode.

After recovering from that, I was ill again a few days later, falling prey to the flu bug.

Though the flu was a lot less painful, I was still feeling pretty down, almost wading in a pool of self-pity at times.

I found myself spending those silent pre-slumber moments telling God how much I really want to be well again. That I don’t want to be a grouchy and tired mama anymore. And that I really want to be able to enjoy my days with my family and friends.

Life is often unpredictable, and a big part of me wants to have it controlled, known, predictable. So that I know what’s going to happen next. Now I know that’s not fully possible, but I sure know now that the most important thing I can do for myself is to exercise, eat well and stay healthy.

So…I’ve taken some baby steps back to a healthy physical state. I’ve signed up for a pilates class running at a nearby community centre. And I’ve also been making sure I eat more fruits and drink more water (less caffeine too *ahem, still trying*) a day.

I’m also relooking my schedule of committed responsibilities and trying to see where I can “trim the fat” so to speak.

In place of things I’m choosing to remove or cut down on, I’m penciling in rest for mama, and favourite me-time activities like reading, swimming, and exploring new cafes with girlfriends.

I’m also looking forward to spending more time with God, and to reclaim those lost moments eaten up by distractions of every sort.

Something I’ve learnt during the recent “downtime” is that when we’re rushing about from activity to activity day by day, we tend to lose sight of the big picture, of the goals that we’ve set for ourselves.

But when life hits the pause button, I’m able to reflect on my life, the things that I’m doing well or not so well as a wife and mother. Somehow, my heart is free to explore and give voice to the dreams and purpose that God has deposited in me.

It’s all too easy to fill our lives with the humdrum of activity and busyness. But like how recent focus has been placed on returning pockets of empty time for children to play, create and allow their imagination to run wild, so it is with adults. We too need time to unwind, reflect, and create.

This mother’s day, I’m giving these gifts to myself:

The gift of less yelling, and more understanding.
The gift of a healthy and joyful life.
The gift of a restful life.

Of course, a hundred big hugs would be nice too… ;)

The gift of rest

A special treat for mums:

Focus on the Family is hosting a mother’s day contest on their Facebook page. Just hop over to this post and share how you rest and relax. You stand to win a hair treat or dining voucher.  (Winners will be announced on Monday, May 13.)

 

 

Filed Under: Encouragement, Health, Motherhood Tagged With: , , , ,

Cultivating a growth mindset in our children

April 23, 2013 8 Comments

“Sometimes the problem with a child isn’t too little effort. It’s too much. And for the wrong cause. We’ve all heard about schoolchildren who stay up past midnight every night studying. Or children who are sent to tutors so they can outstrip their classmates. These children are working hard, they’re typically not in a growth mindset. They’re not focused on love of learning. They’re usually trying to prove themselves to their parents.”

I’ve been reading and enjoying Mindset by Carol Dweck. In her years of research as a world-renowned psychologist, Carol has found that there exists two different mindsets in people. They either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

The growth mindset says: Go for it. Make it happen. Develop your skills. Learn from your mistakes.

The fixed mindset says: Don’t do it. Don’t take the risk. Others may see that you’re not as talented as you ought to be.

People with fixed mindsets are constantly judging (themselves and well as others). The underlying assumption is that character traits are fixed and unchangeable.

People with growth mindsets are observing but not judging. They’re always asking: What can I learn from this? How can I improve? How can I help my partner do better?

Moving from a fixed to a growth mindset entails “changing the internal monologue from a judging one to a growth-oriented one.”

Some tips from her book:

  • Encourage to enjoy – help remind your children to enjoy the things they are learning, be it piano, dance or speech and drama.
  • Study to understand – encourage them to study for understanding, not for cramming and regurgitating it on exam papers, and not merely for grades
  • Focus on process – talk to them about the learning process rather than the outcome
  • Praise them for effort and for trying something new or challenging. Try not to focus on results alone.

We can also help our kids along by asking the right questions:

  • What did you learn today?
  • What mistake did you make that taught you something?
  • What did you try hard at today?

Perhaps the most difficult thing for us as parents is actually living the growth mindset out. Modelling how it should be is always a lot harder, especially since most of us have some degree of fixedness in certain areas.

It’s about believing that you can grow, and that you still have much to learn. (The same goes for our kids.)

It’s about giving voice to courage, being willing to try new things and facing up to the risk of  failure, or at least not letting fear make you run in the other direction.

I used to run the other direction. When I was in school, I didn’t like failing, so I made sure I didn’t try so hard. (It just ain’t cool to be trying hard and then failing, you know?)

When stuff like A Maths got too difficult in Secondary Four, I remember going through a mental debate. My fixed-oriented self said “Drop it, you’re not good at maths, just forget it, it’s not worth the effort to struggle without knowing what you’re going to get.” My growth-oriented self said “Give it a shot. You never know…You might surprise yourself.”

I went for it in the end, despite my teacher pushing me in the other direction. I can’t take much credit for going ahead, because I probably wouldn’t have done so if not for a friend who was in the same boat and who encouraged me to go through with it.

I didn’t top the class, but I was happy with the result, and boy did I mug for it.

Now, as a working adult, it’s a constant drive to achieve good results for my clients. From my recent work experiences, I’ve learnt that you can really grow and stretch beyond your means by stepping out of your comfort zone, and not by sticking to what you’re comfortable with.

As I continue to grow in various aspects and in different roles, I hope to be able to model this growth mindset to my children, that they may catch it and run their own race.

May this be a little reminder to us:

“You may have needed a daughter who was number one in everything, but your daughter needed something else: Acceptance from her parents and freedom to grow.”

Filed Under: Education, Encouragement Tagged With: , , , , ,

Choosing joy and what it means to me

April 8, 2013 14 Comments

April is turning out to be a rather reflective month for me. I’ve been intentionally reading more, which is one of my priorities this year, as part of carving and creating more time for myself.

It’s also been a joyful, happy and encouraging month. Thanks to all the photos I’ve seen under the #ichoosejoy initiative. Have you seen them yet?

As I looked through all the light and cheery pictures, I saw some common themes arising.

Many posted playful, fun-filled moments.

Loving family moments.

loving family moments

 Yummy moments. 

Beautiful and inspiring moments.

inspiring moments

Even the mundane, not-so-joyful, moments made it into the list.

And finally…heartwarming seeds-of-friendship moments.

friendship moments

If you look through the pictures again, you’ll see that they are filled with our favourite little people and places, and plenty of those warm fuzzy moments. Things that we can’t really put a price tag on, except maybe the food bit.

When I embarked on this project, I really didn’t know what to expect. I was just hoping that it would encourage others (and myself) to look for joy in our everyday moments. Even amidst the highly-stressed and fast-paced lives we now lead, I thought that surely we would be able to find something fun, funny, delightful, and joy-giving.

Just as this quote goes, “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.”

One mum and fellow blogger commented at the start, that even though she finds that her life is not quite full of joy now, she will give it a try.( I was glad that she did, and not just one picture too.)

For me, it’s also helped change my focus from the difficult days I’ve been having with Javier. As most of you would know, life with a headstrong, I-want-it-all-NOW toddler can be quite taxing, and it’s been the case for me.

I was struggling to choose joy, and to just enjoy my children just as they are.

But as I saw the beautiful moments captured here, I was forced to change gears a little, and to look at my temporary pains in greater perspective. To look at the bigger picture.

It helps to know that I’ve gone through these pains before with Vera, and she’s now more mature, and more able to listen, more able to love and give some thought to others.

It helps to know that there are many other parents and mums like me, struggling quietly in our little corners, and yet we have that ability to choose our feelings and to let joy and hope rise up in ourselves.

This is what #ichoosejoy is really about. So thank you. And please don’t stop choosing joy, chasing it, and capturing it here.

Do connect with all the awesome mums on instagram (user nicks shown above), and hashtag your pictures #ichoosejoy to make a difference in our community. 

Filed Under: Encouragement Tagged With: , , , ,

#ichoosejoy

March 26, 2013 10 Comments

As a twenty-first century parent, stress comes in myriad forms.

From worrying if junior is doing well in school, to missing your little one who’s just started childcare, to juggling work demands with kiddy demands while working from home.

Stress also comes in the form of toddler meltdowns, of which we are thick in the middle of due to Javier’s entrance into the “age of unreasonableness” (otherwise known as the terrible twos).

Or sibling fights, which we’ve also become well-acquainted with of late.

Some days, I morph into a crazy / naggy / barking /complaining / frustrated / tired mum, or all of the above.

I wish life doesn’t have to have so much drama, but I guess we all have our fair share of bad days. Where small things can suddenly take on catastrophic proportions, and I start to act like Chicken Little.

When the day’s over, I would heave a sigh of relief, make mental notes about what went wrong and what not to do again, and snuggle under my safety blanket, praying for a good night’s sleep.

Just for that day or those few hours, I am unable to think of the joys that my family and children bring.

It’s a mental block.

What amazes me is how easily the kids seem to find joy. They bounce back to their original state of happiness, even after a massive meltdown, in a wink of an eye.

Look at Javier. Even after he’s been wailing for a good 10 minutes, if we manage to turn on the “calm down” switch through various ways like a change in environment, distraction, food (which often works on this greedy fella), he’s as happy as a lark the next minute, shouting “mommee” and waving the food bribe in my face with glee and grin.

I wish I could say the same about myself. After each meltdown episode, I feel like I need a really strong cup of latte (I don’t drink beer) and a walk in the woods. Alone.

It’s a daily clamber back to joyfulness. Parenting days have their fair share of joy and goodness and love and cuddles, but on such days, boy is it a struggle…

This is why I’m embarking on #ichoosejoy, a little picture project to remind myself that happiness is a choice we need to make daily.

And I’m inviting you to join me.

How?

1) Capture life’s everyday joyful moments on instagram.

2) Hashtag your photos #ichoosejoy, and tag me @june_yong (so I know you’re on this joy project with me).

3) You can also email me a joyful photo of your family, kids, or just the little things that bring you joy. And let me know if you would like to include a caption or quote to accompany the pic.

Why?

Because some of the happiest people I know are not those with smooth-sailing lives. They are those who deliberately choose joy and gladness in spite of their circumstances.

Because you might see some of the pics featured on the blog, or on the Facebook page! (If you’re happy for me to do that of course.)

Because it would be great to build a little joyful community. And to spread some cheer around.

If you’re wearing a happy outfit, #ichoosejoy

Your baby taking his first steps, #ichoosejoy

Brother and sister walking hand-in-hand, #ichoosejoy

Catching up with an old friend, #ichoosejoy

Each time you hashtag a picture with #ichoosejoy, be sure to do just that.

Choose joy.

And let’s watch it multiply. ;)

Filed Under: Encouragement, Motherhood Tagged With: , , , ,

Put worry and anxiety back where they belong

March 20, 2013 4 Comments

My church recently organised a prayer journey. It was a temporary space set up at the church carpark with air-conditioning and carefully-arranged decor and seating to facilitate this journey of reflection and time with God.

The first thing we had to do when we stepped in was…

1) Capture all our worries, fears and anxious thoughts on paper.

2) Tear the paper up.

Such a simple act, and yet so necessary. Too often we allow our negative and anxious thoughts to prevent us from coming to God fully and in child-like trust.

When we come to God burdened with our problems and worries, we fail to really acknowledge (in mind and in heart) his goodness and love. Thus we leave His presence unchanged and still worried.

Because of this simple act of faith, I was allowed to lay my burdens at His feet…putting them back at the place where they belong.

As a result, I emerged from the prayer space lighter, and feeling strengthened. Like my hope was topped up afresh.

I think I need to do this regularly. Perhaps you too? :)

Filed Under: Encouragement, Faith Tagged With: , ,

Worker, mother of two, writer, wife

January 11, 2013 13 Comments

It has taken me a while to realise this.

That I am a worker (part-time but worker no less.)

A mother of two.

A writer.

A wife.

I don’t know how I cope with all the various demands from these four major roles that I am focusing on right now. I really don’t, as in I have no clue. But quite recently, someone at work came to me and asked me. (This was after she found out I had two little ones.)

How do you do it?

I was taken aback. This wasn’t a question that I’ve considered before. I haven’t quite found the secret recipe at keeping it all together. Some days, I don’t. Some days, I surprise myself that I still have energy to write and to upkeep this blog. Other days, I get by by telling myself that it’s okay I don’t have time to apply nail polish and trim my eyebrows and shop for new shoes. It is enough that my husband and kids love me, and these itty-bitty things just don’t matter as much anymore.

But still I have certain expectations of myself. Every night, I try to clean and wash out my kids’ water bottles. Every night, the hubs and I try to make conversation, to share about our day, what went on, what went right or what went wrong. Every night, we hug and kiss the kids to bed. Every night, I ask God to keep us safe and sound. Every night, I ask for strength and grace for the next day.

At night, I also come face-to-face with the truth.

How do I do it?

The answer is, I don’t quite do anything in my own strength.

I do give my best at the different areas of responsibilities that I have, but I would be totally faking it if I said that everything is done at 100% and that nothing is breaking. Let’s face it, we were never meant to be superwomen. At least, I never set out to be one, because I would just fall flat on my make-up-less face.

But this is who I am. I am a woman content with what I have. I am thankful. For both the joys and messiness of motherhood. I see that we don’t lead picture-perfect lives. We all struggle in some shape or form. Every day, we juggle the perennial balls of family, work, dreams, health, finances, love. Maybe sometimes we just need to know that it’s okay to drop a ball once in a while. Let it slide. That no one will wag the naughty finger at us.

I depend on God. I depend on others. I can’t thrive in a me-and-myself world. It would be too lonely and isolated. I’m intricately connected to several important people, and I see that these relationships are my lifeblood. It gives me pure and simple joy that others can depend on me too. Truly, I would not be who I am now, if not for the presence and support of family, and the love and encouragement of friends. And the sweet precious grace of a wonderful and loving God.

Without them, I would lose balance. Without them, I would probably fall.

strength and dignity

 You balance many roles and responsibilities too…How do you do it? How do you cope?

Filed Under: Encouragement, Motherhood Tagged With: , , , , , ,

You are worth loving

September 17, 2012 16 Comments

blossom

Do you love yourself?

What does it mean to love yourself?

It means forgiving yourself for having a bad day (or two). Having bad days does not make you a bad mum.

It means giving yourself room to fail. You don’t have to be perfect. Who can ever be? The important thing is to keep trying and to keep learning from mistakes.

It means scheduling breaks. To slow down. To relax. To not react at life so much but to take a step back and think about what you really want.

It means recognising that your sense of self-worth lies not in your children, nor in your marriage, nor how much you’re able to juggle every ball that parenting throws at you without dropping a single one. It lies in the person that you are today, and how much you try to choose kindness and love even when you don’t feel like it.

It means letting go of resentment, regrets and hate.

It means pampering yourself from time to time. (Perhaps a spa treatment or a pedicure, or just a simple brunch with girlfriends on a Saturday morning, or even romancing a good book.)

It means cultivating strong, nurturing friendships with other women.

It means forgiving those who’ve hurt you in the past. It also means forgiving yourself for your past failures.

It means never thinking that you’re not good enough.

It means respecting yourself and recognising your own strengths and weaknesses.

It means feeling free to express your needs to your spouse, and ask for help or understanding or time-off.

It means not feeling guilty when you take time-off for yourself.

As mums, it’s even more essential that we learn to cherish ourselves, because our role calls us to love and cherish others. If we don’t know how to care for ourselves, we actually have very little to give…

You can love yourself more starting from today.

1. Do something for yourself. Get a new hairstyle or hair colour. Pick up a new skill or hobby. Make time for yourself, even if it’s for a cup of coffee downstairs, alone. Gather with friends and check out new cafes or the best new chocolate cake in town.

2. Make time to fulfill a dream. Mums have dreams too, and these dreams don’t disappear just because children happen. And we also know that dreams don’t just turn into reality over night. If you’ve always wanted to start a business or initiative, you’ve got to brainstorm, plan, and take steps towards it.

3. Schedule regular me-time. I have to highlight the word “regular” because I think that’s the real challenge for mothers. We tend to feel so responsible for everything that goes on at home or at work, and it can be difficult to let go. My hubby encourages me to schedule time-off (especially when he notices that I’m grumpier than usual).

4. Read. I’m one of those who starts with a book and then gets distracted by life or other responsibilities and I let go of it. If that’s you too, and if there is still good reason to pick up that book, then do it. If you don’t have a book that’s calling out to be read, look around for one or ask for recommendations from friends.

5. Surround yourself with positive people. I’ve thankful to have a circle of like-minded female friends whom I always confide in and who will always believe in me. It’s not imperative that they be female, but it’s imperative that they be positive. Plus, their only interest should be to build you up and be a support for you (of course, this is a two-way street).

6. Tell your mate how to best show love to you. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book, The Five Love Languages (How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate) identifies five main ways that people express and receive love.

  • Words of Affirmation – Encouragement through words (verbal or written)
  • Quality Time - Focused and intentional time spent together
  • Receiving Gifts – A thoughtful gift as a gesture of love
  • Acts of Service – Doing something to meet a practical need for the other person
  • Physical Touch – Hugs, rubs, kisses, and touch that conveys warmth and affection

If your mate doesn’t know which language is yours, tell him and give him ideas on what you would love to see him do for you.

7. Eat healthy, stay active. Being physically healthy is more than just a feel-good thing; it helps to improve mental alertness, and increases our overall quality of life.

8. Be thankful for the little things. Keep a little notebook of thanksgiving. Note down the little triumphs and milestones you see in your own life. That way, when life gets tough, you can look back at these and remind yourself of how far you’ve come.

~~~~~

Loving yourself is loving your family too. They are the first to benefit when you are well, inside and out.

You are definitely worth it.

Filed Under: Encouragement, Love & marriage Tagged With: , , , ,

Faith for the modern mum

July 16, 2012 13 Comments

What fills the life of modern mothers? What takes up our time?

Facebook, Twitter and mobile gadgets have enabled us to get connected with ‘the world’, while Google, parenting websites and blogs have helped us to find answers and gain insights into everyday parenting issues.

But what gives us answers for our souls, and what truly comforts when we are falling apart?

Maybe the question should be ‘who’ and not ‘what’.

I don’t mean to sound cliched but there IS a hole in our hearts that only God can fill – I know because I once tried to plug that hole with all the wrong things.

Whenever I’m down and directionless, or losing my passion for my kids (I don’t mean I stop loving them, but there are times when I find it extra hard to love), I know that I’ve lost sight of God.

It is ironic that in our increasingly connected world, and the busy pace of life we lead, we’ve stopped plugging into the Source of life himself. We’ve lost the intimate connection with Him.

Why is it important?

Each time we give a status update on Facebook, or share a link, we hope to have as many of our friends view it as possible, and we enjoy reading their responses.

Well, connecting with God is a bit like that. Except that He already knows what it’s on our minds and what we want to update Him about. The wonderful thing about prayer is that it’s two-way; God ‘comments’ on our updates too. And more often than not, his comments are life-sustaining, through bibles verses, or even words that come through other people.

Since becoming a parent, it’s been a challenge for me to steal away to a quiet place. Yet it’s never been as essential as now. I know I can keep running on my own strength, and trying to accomplish never-ending tasks, and meet exorbitant demands (from a baby and a three year old) by my own abilities. But I know at the end of the day, God never meant for me to live this way.

He never meant for me to be running this course of parenthood alone. There’s so much I have to navigate, so many obstacles to cross, so many tear-soaked pillows, so much doubt to overcome…I can only get through it with God.

How can we get this connection back up?

I remember some weeks ago I was trying to migrate this blog from one platform to another. I was having some difficulty because what was meant to be accomplished in one click…well, let’s just say it didn’t happen that way. I sat through one harrowing hour staring at my empty blog space, wondering what had gone wrong. And friends were sending me text messages like ‘hey what happened to your blog?’ (which I really appreciated by the way.)

It was close to midnight and I was desperate because I didn’t know where to get help. Thankfully a dear friend I made through blogging was online at that time and she helped me to re-try the one-click (so-called) installation at her end. I was so grateful.

Within minutes of her trying, the blog (as in all my past blog posts) came back up.

I don’t think I’ve felt so relieved / revived in years.

Now, that story just goes to show the amount of importance we place on being connected to the world. So much so that we feel uncomfortable when our online selves are ‘missing’ or when our internet connection is down.

But do we feel that same sense of discomfort when our connection with God is down? It’s sad but true; I’ve been surviving on a high-speed connection with the world, but a minimally low connection with God. I spend 1-2 hours online every day, and only 5-10 minutes ‘online’ with God. And I trick myself by saying ‘that’s okay, I’m still connected right?’

So, over the next few weeks, I’m intentionally unplugging from the world, little by little each day, and plugging more into God. I’m going to make myself less busy online, so I can create more space for God in my life.

And more space to enjoy my family and the kids too.

I invite you to join me…

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