Angry feelings and tantrum behaviour? Try playing coach.

I mentioned a couple of days after JJ turned three that he had progressed many steps from his tantrum spewing days.

Well, he recently seems to have taken a few steps back. We’ve been hearing a lot of whining and crying of late, often for little reason. Sometimes he would even wake up in a fit.

Naturally my first response was to blame myself and ask, what am I doing wrong? But after thinking it through a bit more, and asking God for wisdom and patience, I’ve been able to move from that self-defeating mode to something more productive. I’m now asking these questions:

Why is he doing what he is doing?

What need is he expressing through such negative behaviour?

How can I help him?

It was really frustrating at the start, especially since we couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, and so didn’t know how we should tackle it. Was it insecurity because we weren’t spending enough one-on-one time with him? Was it just yet another new (and challenging) phase he was going through? Honestly, we don’t have all the answers…

It took all we had to stay cool. Hubby and I had to tag-team and call for time out whenever one of us were on the brink of losing it. Thankfully, however, after being firm with him, and asking if he needed the calm down chair, he would generally try to simmer down somewhat and respond with a “I stop already” (in reference to his crying and screaming.)

There was one episode last week when he dropped his lego onto the floor, and was starting to throw a fit, exclaiming that he needed someone to pick them up for him. I went to stoop beside him, and said in as calm a voice as I could muster, “JJ, you can pick up the pieces yourself. Try it.” He then responded in a whiny voice, “I want mummy to stay with me.” So I did. And he picked up the pieces by himself, with me beside him and giving him a bit of encouragement here and there.

After he was done, I was like, “hi-five, buddy!” And he actually smiled and gave me a hi-five. (And then walked away as if nothing major had happened. Sigh…)

I pondered over what happened and realised that he has been anxious about being alone / left behind, and often expresses that he wants us to wait for him. Something must be making him feel like he’s being left behind (perhaps one reason is because he isn’t as fast and competent as his older sister is.)

According to this article Helping Children Deal with Angry Feelings, when children are angry, they need someone to set clear and firm boundaries for them. For instance, using words to express their emotions is acceptable while lashing out and biting or throwing things at others, aren’t.

This part, I think he’s managed to learn. He’s been expressing his anger using words, albeit quite comically. When upset at someone or something, he would exclaim loudly with his eyebrows knitted together, “I don’t like anybody anymore!” or “I don’t want to play with anybody FOREVER!” (Now obviously it takes every strand of our being not to burst into laughter at such funny exclamations. But yes, respect. We need to show empathy and respect for the little guy, and that requires us not to laugh at him when he’s upset.)

Jokes aside, I’m thankful that now I know he just needs us to give him attention and support, and to stand by his side when he’s feeling angry. It makes me recall a lesson I picked up from Focus on the Family’s Parenting with Confidence facilitator training session - the importance of being a parent-coach.

A coach believes in his team members, sets high standards for them and equips them with the right skills to get there. He sets reasonable and clear rules, encourages cooperation and teamwork, sets a warm and loving atmosphere at home, and values the opinions of his children. He allows the children room to grow, and never stops believing in them, even in times of failure.

I’m choosing to play the role of a loving and firm coach to JJ for now, while praying hard that we’ll get through this together.

Are you experiencing tough times with your preschooler too? What tools or tips have worked for you?